I hate Russian dolls. They're so full of themselves!
What did the duck says when she brought some lipstick?Put it on my bill!
I Just went to an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers!
When's the best time to go to the dentist?At Tooth-hurtie!
What do you call a dinosaur that is sleeping?A dino-snore!
What is fast, loud and crunchy?A rocket chip!
Why did the teddy bear say no to dessert?Because she was stuffed.
What has ears but cannot hear?A cornfield.
What did the left eye say to the right eye?Between us, something smells! 
What do you get when you cross a vampire and a snowman?Frost bite!
What did one plate say to the other plate?Dinner is on me tonight!
Why did the student eat his homework?Because the teacher told him it was a piece of cake!
What is brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?A coconut on vacation.
How do you stop an astronaut's baby from crying?You rocket!
Why was 6 afraid of 7?Because 7, 8, 9!
What do you call a duck that gets all A's in his tests?A wise quacker.
What kind of water cannot freeze?Hot water!
What kind of tree fits in your hand?A palm tree!
Are any Halloween monsters good at math?None, unless you Count Dracula!
Why is Cinderella so bad at soccer?Because she always runs away from the ball!
Why is Peter Pan flying all the time?Because he Neverlands! 
Did you hear the one about the little mountain?It's hill-arious!
What's a banana peel's favorite type of shoe?Slippers!
What did the big flower say to the little flower?Hi, bud! 
What's a writing utensil's favorite place to go on vacation?Pencil-vania!
How does the Man in the Moon cut his hair?Eclipse it!
Where do polar bears keep their money?In a snow bank!
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?Because chickens didn't exist yet!
Why was the broom late for school?It overswept!
What do you call a duck that loves making jokes?A wise-quacker
What did the finger say to the thumb?I'm in glove with you!
What did one pickle say to the other pickle who wouldn't stop complaining?'Dill with it.'
How do you fix a damaged jack-o-lantern?You use a pumpkin patch!
What do ghosts use to wash their hair?Sham-BOO!
How did the skeleton know it was going to rain on Halloween?He could feel it in his bones!
Who helps little pumpkins cross the road on the way to school?The Crossing Gourd!
Why did Mickey Mouse become an astronaut?So he could visit Pluto!
Why did Humpty Dumpty have a great fall?To make up for his miserable summer.
What do you call a penguin in the desert?Lost!
What do you call a lazy baby kangaroo?A pouch potato.
A rancher was persuaded to cross-breed his cattle with hyenas.It was a disaster..... The offspring were the laughing stock of the community!
What did the fish say when it swam into a wall?"Dam!"
What did the SNAIL say while riding on the turtles back?Wheeeeeeeee.....
What is a recess at a mortuary called?A Coffin Break!
What does a Panda ghost eat?Bam-BOO!
How do you get inside a locked cemetery at night?Use a Skeleton Key to unlock the gates!
What is a skeleton's favorite musical instrument?A Trombone!
What genre of music does a mummy like the best?Wrap!
What does a ghost call his mom and dad?His transparents.
Why is a cemetery a great place to write a story?Because there are so many plots there!
What dog breed would Dracula love to have as a pet?Blood hound!
What do Italian ghosts have for dinner?Spook-hetti!
Which fruit is a vampire's favorite?Neck-tarine!
Why didn't the zombie go to school?He felt rotten!
What happened when the frog's car broke down on the side of the road?It gets toad away.
What's the smartest animal?A fish because they stay in schools!
Why did the whale cross the street?To get to the other tide.
How much money does a skunk have?One scent!
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?A walkie-talkie!
What do you get when you cross a fish with an elephant?Swimming trunks!
What type of market should you NEVER take your dog?A flea market!
Why did the baby elephant need a new suitcase for her vacation?She only had a little trunk.
Where are fish in orbit?In trout-er space.
Why shouldn't you play basketball with a pig?Because it'll hog the ball!
Where do shellfish go to borrow money?The prawn broker.
Why is a bee's hair always sticky?Because it uses a honey comb!
What is black, white, and red all over?A sunburnt penguin!
Why do cows go to New York?To see the moosicals!
Where did the sheep go on vacation?The baaaahamas.
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom?Because the pee is silent.
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?AYE MATEY
You would think that taking off a snail's shell would make it move faster.......... but it actually just makes it more sluggish.
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo.So I had to put my foot down.
Two silk worms had a race. It ended in a tie.
Today, my son asked"Can I have a book mark?"... and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian.
My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!
What do you call someone with no body and no nose?Nobody knows.
What is the least spoken language in the world?Sign language
A slice of apple pie is $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas.These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
3 unwritten rules of life...1.2.3.
If you see a robbery at an Apple Store does that make you an iWitness?
Don't trust atoms.They make up everything!
5/4 of people admit that they're bad with fractions.
I used to have a job at a calendar factory but I got the sack because I took a couple of days off.
A termite walks into a bar and asks..."Is the bar tender here?"
What do you call a bee that can't make up its mind?A maybe.
How much money does a pirate pay for corn?A buccaneer.
What do you call a pig that does karate?A pork chop.
What do you call an everyday potato?A commentator.
What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?A hippo is really heavy, and a Zippo is a little lighter.
What did the atom say after losing an electron?"I really gotta keep an ion them."
Why did the scarecrow win an award?Because he was outstanding in his field.
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France?There was nothing left but de Brie.
Why did the can crusher quit his job?Because it was soda pressing.
How do astronomers organize a party?They planet.
You'll never guess who I bumped into on my way to the opticians.Everyone.
I had a ploughman's lunch today.He wasn't very happy.
Aim for the stars. But first, aim for their bodyguards.
There are three kinds of people in this world. Those who can count and those who can't.
Two blondes walk into a building.You'd think one of them would have seen it.
Light travels faster than sound.That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
What animal do you look like when you get in the bath?A little bear.
Why don't lobsters like sharing?Because they're shellfish.
What concert only costs 45 cents?50 Cent and Nickleback.
If you choke a Smurf............. what color does it turn?
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger, and then it hit me.
What do wooden whales eat?Plankton.
What do quantum whales eat?Planck-ton.
A guy knocked on my door today and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool.I gave him a glass of water.
Did you know the Pentagon was originally going to just be a square but the contractor kept cutting corners?
The bartender says, ...."We don't serve time travellers here." ...... A time traveller walks into a bar.
What did the digital clock say to it's mom?Look ma! No hands!
Why are pirates called pirates?'Cause they Aaarrrrrrr!
I said to the gym instructor..."Can you teach me to do the splits?"He said, "How flexible are you?"I said, "I can't make it on Tuesdays."
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks.They charged one......... and let the other one off.
A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train load of terrapins.What a turtle disaster.
"Doctor, doctor, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass Of Home.""That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.""Is it common?""It's not unusual."
I'm on a whisky diet........ I've lost three days already.
A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One goes to a family in Egypt and is named Amal. The other goes to Spain and is named Juan.
Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving it, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal.
Her husband said: "But they are twins....    .... if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal!"
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their tournament victories. After an hour, the manager 
came out and asked them to disperse."But why?" they asked."Because," he said...... "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
A man entered a local paper's pun contest.He sent in 10 different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.Unfortunately, no pun in 10 did!
I backed a horse last week at 10 to one........ It came in at quarter past four.
One day, two women dog owners are arguing about whose dog is smarter. Mary says, "My dog's so smart, every morning he waits for 
the paper boy to come around and then he takes the paper and brings it to me."Anne replies, "I know."Mary is surprised and asks: 
"How do you know?"Anne says, "My dog told me."
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?He woke up.
I'm like the fabric version of King Midas.Everything I touch becomes felt.
My wife first agreed to a date after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.I Schwepped her of her feet.
I always used to get small shocks when touching metal objects, but it recently stopped.Needless to say, I'm ex-static.
Why do Norwegians build their own tables?No Ikea!
Why did the coffee go to the police?It got mugged.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final frontier.
I knew I shouldn't have had the sea food.I'm feeling a little eel.
A man was out driving when he saw a police car in his rear-view mirror, with it's siren wailing. The man pulled over and the police car stopped behind him. The policeman 
approached the man's car and said to the man: "Do you know that your wife fell out of the car five miles back?"The man replied: "Oh thank God! I thought I had gone 
deaf!"
A lawyer and his brother, a doctor, were hunting. A mountain lion jumped out in front of them and started snarling.The doctor asked, "What should we do?"The 
lawyer said, "I'm gonna run for it!"The doctor replied, "You can't outrun a mountain lion!"The lawyer said, "I don't have to outrun HIM - I only have to 
outrun YOU!"
An old lady, who lived on the third floor of a boardinghouse fell and broke her leg. As the doctor put a cast on it, he warned her not to climb any stairs.Several 
months later, the doctor took off the cast."Can I climb stairs now?" asked the little old lady."Yes," he replied."Thank goodness!" she said. "I'm 
sick and tired of shinnying up and down that drainpipe!"
A cop pulls up two Irish drunks, and says to the first, "What's your name and address?""I'm Paddy O'Day, of no fixed address."The cop turns to the second 
drunk, and asks the same question."I'm Seamus O'Toole, and I live in the flat above Paddy."
The Irish attempt on Mount Everest was a valiant effort, but it failed:They ran out of scaffolding.
Then there was the Irishman who sued the local baker for forging the Irishman's signature on a hot cross bun....
What are the best ten years of an Irishman's life?Third grade.
A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day about the fact that in many languages, such as English, a double negative forms a positive, while in other 
languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. "However," he pointed out, "in no language can a double positive form a 
negative."A bored voice from the back of the room responded:"Yeah, yeah...."
"What is the burning question on the mind of every dyslexic existentialist?""Is there a dog?"
A psychiatrist and a proctologist became good friends and agreed to share offices to cut down on expenses. To economise even further, they had just one sign 
printed:Dr. Marvin Hornstein, PsychiatristDr. David Slodnick, ProctologistSPECIALIZING IN ODDS AND ENDS
A famous lawyer died and, unexpectedly, showed up at the Pearly Gates.St. Peter came out to welcome him, and as the Gates opened the lawyer saw a banner which 
welcomed him, the first 457 year old man.The lawyer was confused. He said to St. Peter, "I don't understand. When I died, I was 63 years old, not 457."St. Peter 
was now confused, and said, "Why, you must be 457 years old! We added up all the hours you billed your clients, so you've got to be 457!"
I got rid of my vacuum cleaner the other day.All it was doing was collecting dust!
Why was the picture sent to jail?Because it was framed!
Two cows are standing in a field.The first cow says to the second "Have you 
heard about this mad cow disease? It makes cows go crazy and then they die."
The second cow replies "Good thing I'm a helicopter then."
What has four wheels and flies?A garbage truck!
What's made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones?Trombones.
What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell phones.
I've just watched a T.V. documentary about beavers. It was the best dam program I've ever seen.
What do you call an old person with really good hearing? Deaf defying.
My wife keeps telling me to stop pretending to be butter. But I'm on a roll now.
A father in Iraq gave his daughter a new bag. She said, "Thanks for the Baghdad."
I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a complete rip-off.
I tried drag racing the other day. It's murder trying to run in heels.
How does Darth Vader like his toast? On the dark side.
I'm the Norse god of mischief but I don't like to talk about it. I guess you could say I'm low-key.
My wife says she's leaving me because she thinks I'm too obsessed with astronomy. What planet is she on!
What kind of tea you drink with the Queen? Royal tea.
I told my Dad he should embrace his mistakes. He gave me a hug.
What do you call a woman who sounds like an ambulance? Nina.
The circle is just the most ridiculous shape in the world. There's absolutely no point to it.
There's been an explosion at a cheese factory in Paris. There's nothing left but de Brie.
Last night, I had a dream that I was a muffler. I woke up exhausted.
What are bald sea captains most worried about? Cap sizes.
No matter how kind you are.... German children are kinder.
Where do you learn to make ice cream? At sundae school.
After dinner my wife asked me if I could clear the table. I needed a run up, but I made it.
Who was the roundest knight at King Arthur's round table? Sir Cumference.
As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said.... "You know, one would have been enough."
If prisoners could take their own mug shots.... Would they be called cellfies?
Why do chicken coops only have two doors? Because if they had four doors, they'd be chicken sedans.
Dogs can't operate MRI machines.... .... But catscan.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.
I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth, we can read maps backwards!" and I thought... "That's just spam."
When does a joke become a Dad joke? When it becomes fully groan.
I can't stand stair lifts. They drive me up the wall!
My son must have been relieved to have finally been born. He looked like he was running out of womb in there.
What has two butts and kills people? An assassin.
What do you call a snowman with a six pack? An abdominal snowman.
My mum bought me a really cheap dictionary for my birthday. I couldn't find the words to thank her.
How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.
What do you call an explosive horse? Neigh-palm.
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes. I watched it all unfold.
One of the Russian acrobats in our human pyramid has been deported.Now we don't have Oleg to stand on.
A Dutchman has invented shoes that record how many miles you've walked. Clever clogs.
I tried to have a conversation with my wife when she was applying a mud pack. You should have seen the filthy look she gave me.
What do you call a horse that moves around a lot? Unstable.
I just texted my girlfriend Ruth and told her that it's over between us. I'm Ruthless.
What type of magazines do cows read? Cattlelogs.
What do you get if you put a duck in a cement mixer? Quacks in the pavement.
Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight.One draws a line in the dirt and says, "If you cross this line, I'll hit you in the face."That was the punchline.
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
A group of cientists got bored watching the earth turn, so after  24 hours........ they called it a day.
A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night........ Oof.
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son's train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it. I think I managed to cover my tracks.
On his deathbed, my granddad said to me, "Remember these two words. They'll open a lot of doors for you in life." "Push and pull."
I said to my wife, "I need to call the doctor today." "Which doctor?" she asked. "No, the regular kind."
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and says...."Give me all your money or you're geography!"The teller replies...."Don't you mean history?"The robber says, "Don't change the subject!"
What do you say to your sister when she's crying?"Are you having a crisis?"
I was drinking my milkshake on a cliff and I thought to myself... ... Wow, this is ledge 'n dairy.
My son just said to me that he doesn't understand cloning. I said, "That makes two of us."
If pronouncing my b's as v's makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
I took my 8-year old daughter to the office with me on "Take Your Kid to Work Day."As we were walking around the office, she starting crying and getting very cranky, so I asked what was wrong with her. 
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed loudly, "Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said that you worked with?"
Why was 2019 afraid of 2020?Because they had a fight and 2021!
My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought. It's an extremely rare dish order.
My friend keeps saying, "Cheer up man, it could be worse. You could be stuck underground in a hole full of water." I know he means well.
How many Californians does it take to change a light bulb?Six. One to turn the bulb, one for support, and four to relate to the experience.
How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb?"None 'o yo' damn business!"
How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb?"50."   "50?"   "Yeah 50.... it's in the contract."
How many Psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?Only one, but the bulb has got to really WANT to change.
How many Psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?None; the bulb will change itself when it is ready.
How many software people does it take to screw in a light bulb?None. Thats a hardware problem.
How many hardware folks does it take to change a light bulb?None. That's a software problem.
How many Unix programmers does it take to change a light bulb?Four. One to change the bulb. One to write the manual page. One to describe what all the 
options are for. One to explain why it is better to change lightbulbs with Unix than with DOS.
How many graduate students does it take to screw in a light bulb?Only one, but it may take upwards of five years for him to get it done.
How many 'Real Men' does it take to change a light bulb?None: 'Real Men' aren't afraid of the dark.
How many 'Real Women' does it take to change a light bulb?None: A 'Real Woman' would have plenty of real men around to do it.
How many Jewish mothers does it take to screw in a light bulb?None. ("Thats all right... I'll just sit here in the dark...")
How many Marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb?None: The light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.
How many (Generals/Politicians) does it take to change a light bulb?1,000,001: One to change the bulb and 1,000,000 to rebuild civilization to the point where they need light bulbs again.
How many survivors of a nuclear war does it take to screw in a light bulb?None, because people who glow in the dark don't need light bulbs.
How many Russian leaders does it take to change a light bulb?Nobody knows. Russian leaders don't last as long as light bulbs.
How many nuclear engineers does it take to change a light bulb?Seven. One to install the new bulb and six to figure out what to do with the old one for the next 10,000 years.
How many pre-med students does it take to change a light bulb?Five: One to change the bulb and four to pull the ladder out from under him.
How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?Three, but they're really only one.
How many Christian Scientists does it take to screw in a light bulb?None, but it takes at least one to sit and pray for the old one to go back on.
How many jugglers does it take to change a light bulb?One, but it takes at least three light bulbs.
How many Feminists does it take to change a light bulb?That's not funny, abusive white male aggressor!!
What do you say to an Arts graduate with a job?I'll have a hamburger please.
How many Feminists does it take to change a light bulb?Five, four to try like men and fail miserably, one to find a female electrician, settle for a man and picket as he works.
How many economists does it take to screw in a light bulb?None. If the government would just leave it alone, it would screw itself in.
How many economists does it take to screw in a light bulb?None. If the light bulb really needed changing, market forces would have already caused it to happen.
How many Valley Girls does it take to change a light bulb?Oooh, like, manual labor? Gag me with a spoon! For sure.
How many data-base people does it take to change a light bulb?Three:-  One to write the light bulb removal program,-  One to write the light bulb insertion 
program, and-  One to act as a light bulb administrator to make sure nobody else tries to change the light bulb at the same time.
How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?A tree in a golden forest.
How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?Two: one to change the bulb and one not to change it.
How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?One to change and one not to change is fake Zen. The true Zen answer is Four. One to change the bulb.
How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?None. Zen masters carry their own light.
How many Carl Sagans does it take to screw in a light bulb?Billions and billions.
How many folk singers does it take to screw in a light bulb?Two. One to change the bulb, and one to write a song about how good the old light bulb was.
How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?Two, one to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools.
How many gorillas does it take to screw in a light bulb?Only one, but it sure takes a bucketload of light bulbs!
How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb?Three. One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb installation specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare.
How many [IBM] Technical Writers does it take to change a light bulb?100. Ten to do it, and 90 to write document number GC7500439-0001, Multitasking Incandescent Source System 
Facility, of which 10% of the pages state only "This page intentionally left blank", and 20% of the definitions are of the form "A:...... consists of sequences of non-blank characters separated by blanks".
How many professors does it take to change a light bulb?Only one, but they get three tech. reports out of it.
How many people from New Jersey does it take to change a light bulb?Three. One to change the light bulb, one to be a witness, and the third to shoot the witness.
How many blondes does it take to screw in a light bulb?10. One to hold the bulb and nine to rotate the ladder.
How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?None. It turned itself in.
How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?How many can you afford?
How many thought police does it take to screw in a light bulb?None. There never *was* any light bulb.Notes: Probably the only really good light bulb joke of 1984.
How many Federal employees does it take to screw in a light bulb?Sorry, that item has been cut from the budget!
How many sorority sisters does it take to change a light bulb?51. One to change the bulb, and fifty to sing about the bulb being changed.
How many frat guys does it take to screw in a light bulb?Three: One to screw it in, and the other two to help him down off the keg.
How many frat guys does it take to screw in a light bulb?Five: One to hold the bulb, and four to guzzle beer until the room spins.
How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?Two. One to assure the everything possible is being done while the other screws the bulb into the water faucet.
How many board meetings does it take to get a light bulb changed?This topic was resumed from last week's discussion, but is incomplete pending resolution of some action items. 
It will be continued next week. Meanwhile...
How many assholes does it take to change a light bulb?None... assholes never see the light anyway.
How many civil servants does it take to change the light bulb?45. One to change the bulb, and 44 to do the paperwork.
How many hippies does it take to screw in a light bulb?Oh wow, is it like dark, man?
How many consultants does it take to change a light bulb?I'll have an estimate for you a week from Monday.
How many U.S. marines does it take to screw in a light bulb?50. One to screw in the light bulb and the remaining 49 to guard him.
How many Romulans does it take to screw in a light bulb?151, one to screw the light-bulb in, and 150 to self-destruct the ship out of disgrace.(Warning: do not tell this to 
Romulans or be ready for a fight. They consider this joke to be a disgrace)
How many Vulcans does it take to change a light bulb?Approximately 1.00000000000000000000000
How many members of the U.S.S. Enterprise does it take to change a light bulb?7.... Scotty will report to Captain Kirk that the light bulb in the Engineering Section is burnt out, to 
which Kirk will send Bones to pronounce the bulb dead. Scotty, after checking around, notices that they have no more new light bulbs, and complains that 
he can't see in the dark to tend to his engines. Kirk must make an emergency stop at the next uncharted planet, Alpha Regula IV, to procure a light bulb 
from the natives. Kirk, Spock, Bones, Sulu, and 3 red shirt security officers beam down. The 3 security officers are promptly killed by the natives, and 
the rest of the landing party is captured. Meanwhile, back in orbit, Scotty notices a Klingon ship approaching and must warp out of orbit to escape 
detection. Bones cures the native king who is suffering from the flu, and as a reward the landing party is set free and given all of the light bulbs they 
can carry. Scotty cripples the Klingon ship and warps back to the planet just in time to beam up Kirk et. al. The new bulb is inserted, and the Enterprise 
continues with its five year mission.
If you think Thursdays are depressing, wait two days.It will be a sadder day.
When I complained about doing homework, my Dad said to me:"When Abraham Lincoln was your age, he walked 9 miles to school and did homework by candlelight."I said:"When Abraham Lincoln was your age, he was President."
A lot of people were confused at the grand opening ceremony of my ribbon-repair business yesterday!
Did you know that Iceland is only one sea away from Ireland?
If I don't perfect human cloning, I won't be able to live with myself.
I just wrote a book on reverse psychology - don't buy it!
Does refusing to go to the gym count as resistance training?
Without a doubt, my favorite Robin Williams movie is Mrs. Fire.
My poor knowledge of Greek mythology has always been my Achilles elbow.
As I get older and I remember all the people I've lost along the way.I think to myself....."Maybe a career as a tour guide wasn't for me."
I didn't realize how bad of a driver I was until my sat nav said:"In 400 metres, do a slight right turn, stop, and let me out."
My fear of moving stairs is escalating.
I went along to the local Kleptomaniacs Anonymous meeting but all the seats were taken.
I believe a lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been avoided if the cowboy architects had just made their towns big enough for everyone.
With the rise of self-driving vehicles, it's only a matter of time before we get a country song where a guy's truck leaves him too.
People say I've got no willpower but I've quit smoking loads of times.
I struggle with Roman numerals until I get to 159, then it just CLIX.
I think most of you probably already know about the first rule of Assumption Club.
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
Moses was the first person to use Control-C as a shortcut.
People say I'm condescending...... that means I talk down to people.
I wasn't originally going to get a brain transplant but then I changed my mind.
Throwing acid is wrong, in some people's eyes.
Inspecting mirrors is a job I could really see myself doing.
The first time I got a universal remote control I thought to myself........ "This changes everything".
The person who invented auto-correct should burn in hello.
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
Say what you want about deaf people...
Nothing tops a plain pizza.
I've spent the last four years looking for my ex-girlfriend's killer, but no-one will do it.
I refused to believe my road worker father was stealing from his job, but when I got home all the signs were there.
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look beautiful...... so I got drunk.
Don't you hate it when someone answers their own questions?I do.
As I watched the dog chasing his tail I thought "Dogs are easily amused", then I realized I was watching the dog chasing his tail.
PMS jokes are not funny or appropriate - period!
I really want to buy one of those grocery checkout dividers but the lady behind the counter keeps putting it back.
Gambling addiction hotlines would do so much better if every fifth caller was a winner.
Where there's a will, there's a relative.
Never challenge Death to a pillow fight unless you're prepared to handle the reaper cushions.
Hedgehogs, eh? Why can't they just share the hedge?
Just because nobody complains doesn't mean all parachutes are perfect.
If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?
To the man on crutches, dressed in camouflage, who stole my wallet - you can hide, but you can't run.
Velcro..... what a rip-off!
My friend keeps trying to convince me that he's a compulsive liar but I don't believe him.
It's always hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they're always taking things literally.
I've just written a song about tortillas......... actually, it's more of a rap.
I had a neck brace fitted years ago and I've never looked back since.
I woke up this morning and forgot which side the sun rises from, then it dawned on me.
My wife just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline........ she hit the roof.
I like to hold hands at the movie, which always seems to startle strangers.
Two windmills are standing in a field. One asks the other, "What kind of music do you like?"The other one says, "I'm a big metal fan."
My girlfriend says I'm hopeless at fixing appliances.Well, she's in for a shock.
A man showed up for a duel armed only with a pencil and paper.He then proceeded to draw his weapon.
Thanks for explaining the word 'many' to me.It means a lot.
The mother who injected her 8 year-old child with Botox for beauty pageants has lost custody.Her daughter didn't look surprised.
What do you call an imaginary color?A pigment of your imagination.
I was on a flight the other day when the air hostess came up to me and said, "Excuse me sir, would you like to have dinner?"I said, 
"What are the options?"She said, "Yes and No."
My girlfriend isn't talking to me because apparently I ruined her birthday.I'm not sure how I did that - I didn't even know it was her birthday...
My friend has got a butler who only has one arm.Serves him right.
My favorite color is purple.I like it more than blue and red combined.
What do you call a Mexican bodybuilder who's run out of protein?No whey Jose.
My girlfriend told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.I said, "No, wait! I can change."
My girlfriend has her own taser.She's a real stunner...
What do you call a sad strawberry?A blueberry.
My friend is a structural engineer.He's always complaining about stress at work.
I used to be a narcissist.But now look at me.
I built an electric fence around my property yesterday.My neighbor is dead against it.
I've been dating a homeless woman recently, and I think it's starting to get serious...She's asked me to move out with her.
I bought a dog off a blacksmith today.As soon as I got it home it made a bolt for the door.
I called the cops about a murder on my front lawn...But they said they couldn't do anything about crows and to stop calling them.
My wife accused me of being a transvestite.So I packed her things and left.
I haven't owned a watch for I don't know how long.
I almost got caught stealing a board game today.But it was a Risk I was willing to take.
The Pope and Donald Trump are standing in front of a large crowd.The Pope says to Trump, "Do you know 
that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of 
your followers, but go deep into their hearts and for the rest of their lives whenever they speak of this day, they will rejoice!"Trump replies, "I 
seriously doubt that, with one wave of your hand? Show me!"So the Pope slapped him.
A priest, an imam and a rabbit walk into a blood bank...The rabbit says : I think I might be a type O.
What do you call a dog with no legs?Doesn't matter, it won't come anyway.
How many efficiency experts does it take to replace a light bulb?None. Efficiency experts replace only dark bulbs.
How many Pygmies does it take to screw in a light bulb?At least three. (Notes: think height!)
How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?Only one. They don't like to share the spotlight.
How many Chinese Red Guards does it take to screw in a light bulb?10,000 - to give the bulb a cultural revolution.
How many anarchists does it take to screw in a light bulb?All of them.
Do you know how many musicians it takes to change a light bulb?No, big daddy, but hum a few bars and I'll fake it.
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?Two, one to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end.
How many bikers does it take to change a light bulb?It takes two. One to change the bulb, and the other to kick the switch.
How many running-dog lackeys of the bourgeoisie does it take to change a light bulb?Two. One to exploit the proletariat, and one to control the means of production!
How many referral agents does it take to screw in a light bulb?Two: One to screw you out of a fee, and the other to send you to a store where they ran out of bulbs weeks ago.
How many existentialists does it take to screw in a light bulb?Two: One to screw it in and one to observe how the light bulb itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of 
subjective reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a maudlin cosmos of nothingness.
How many dull people does it take to change a light bulb?One.
How many big black monoliths does it take to change a light bulb?Sorry, light bulbs are an evolutionary dead end.
How many light bulbs does it take to change a light bulb?One, if it knows its own Goedel number.
How many dadaists does it take to screw in a light bulb?To get to the other side.
How many consultants does it take to change a light bulb?We don't know. They never get past the feasibility study.
How many poets does it take to change a light bulb?Three. One to curse the darkness, one to light a candle... 	... and one to change the bulb.
How many stock brokers does it take to change a light bulb?Two. One to take out the bulb and drop it, and the other to try and sell it before it crashes (knowing that it's already burned out).
How many aides does it take to change President Reagan's light bulb?None, they like to keep him in the dark.
How many magicians does it take to change a light bulb?Depends on what you want to change it into.
How many missionaries does it take to change a light bulb?101. One to change it and 100 to convince everyone else to change light bulbs too.
How many Macintosh users does it take to change a light bulb?None. You have to replace the whole motherboard.
How many Oxford undergraduates does it take to change a lightbulb?One. He simply holds the lightbulb and the world revolves around him.
How many engineering students does it take to change a light bulb?One, but the rest of the class copies the report.
How many rednecks does it take to screw in a light bulb?One, it only takes one person to use a hammer.
How many paranoid people does it take to screw in a light bulb?Who wants to know?
How many chiropractors does it take to change a lightbulb?One but it will take six visits.
How many women with PMS does it take to change a lightbulb?(in a very loud voice) ONE!
How many male chauvenists does it take to change a lightbulb?None. Let the woman cook in the dark.
How many home owners does it take to change a lightbulb?Just one, but it takes him/her 2 weekends and 3 trips to the hardware store.
How many Klingons does it take to change a lightbulb?None. Klingons aren't afraid of the dark.
What do you call a man with no arms and legs in a hole?Dug.
What do you call a man with no arms and legs under a car?Jack.
What do you call a man with no arms and legs in the garden?Pete.
What do you call a man with no arms and legs in the water?Bob.
What do you call two men with no arms and legs on the window?Curt 'n rod
What do you call another man with no arms and legs in a hole?Phil.
What do you call man on the beach if he has no arms and no legs?Sandy.
What do you call a woman in the ocean?Sandy Duncan.
What do you call a heart patient with no arms or legs in a pool?Bob Newheart.
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs with a sea gull on his head?Cliff.
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in the middle of the ocean?BOB.
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in Idaho?Spud!
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a pile of leaves?Russell.
What do you call a guy in a pond?Skip.
What do you call a guy in your mailbox with no arms and no legs?Bill!
What do you call a guy with no arms or legs on a bar-b-q grill?Frank.
What do you call a girl with only one leg?Ilene.
What do you call a guy with no arms or legs hanging on your wall?Art.
What do you call a guy with no arms or legs on your doorstep?Matt.
What do you call a man with no arms and legs in a fireplace?Bernie.
What do you call a man with a wooden head?Edward.
What do you call a man with three wooden heads?Edward Woodward.
How can you identify an Irish pirate?He's the one with patches over both eyes.
When is it much better to be a women than a men?When you are in the lavatory and the plane hits turbulences.
A distinguished-looking man entered a Geneva bank and inquired about taking out a loan for 1000 Swiss francs. "What security can you offer?" the banker asked:"My 
Rolls-Royce is parked out front," he said. "I will be away for a few weeks. Here are the keys."A month later, the man returned to the bank and paid off the loan, 
1017 francs with interest."Pardon me for asking," the banker said, "but why a one-thousand franc loan for a man of your obvious means?""Very simple," he 
replied. "Where else can you store a Rolls for a month for seventeen francs?"
What is this?         Fe Fe Fe           \ | /        Fe --*-- Fe           / | \         Fe Fe Fe... A ferrous wheel!
What do you call a row of rabbits walking backwards?A receding hair line !!!!!!!!!!!!!
You know it's going to be a bad day when....- You see a '60 Minutes News Team' waiting in your office.- Your birthday cake collapses 
from the weight of the candles.- You turn on the news and they're displaying emergency routes out of your city.- Your twin sister forgets 
your birthday.- You woke up to discover that your waterbed broke and then you realize that you didn't have a waterbed.
God finally decided to take Satan to court, to settle their differences once and for all.Upon hearing this, Satan laughed, and said, 
"Where do you think you're going to find a lawyer?"
What do dinosaurs have that no other animals have?Baby Dinosaurs.
Where does a Tyrannosaurus sit when he comes to stay?Anywhere he wants to.
What did they call prehistoric sailing disasters?Tyrannosaurus wrecks.
Can you name 10 dinosaurs in 10 seconds?Yes, 8 Iguanadons and 2 Stegasaurus.
What do you call a dinosaur as tall as a house, with long sharp teeth, and 12 claws on each foot?.... "Sir."
What do you call a dinosaur as tall as a house, with long sharp teeth, 12 claws on each foot and a personal stereo over his ears?Anything you like, he won't hear you!
What do you get if you cross a mouse with a Triceratops?Enormous holes in the skirting board.
A man goes to his doctor for his yearly checkup. The doctor instructs him to give a urine and a stool sample."Gee, I'm in kind of a hurry Doc," the man says, 
"Can't I just leave a pair of my underwear?
This guy goes skydiving for the first time. After he jumps out of the plane, he counts to ten, pulls the ripcoard, and nothing happens. Only a little 
worried, he pulls the cord for the auxilliary parachute, but unfortunately, the chute still does not appear. As he is plummeting toward the Earth, he 
sees a woman coming up the other way.He shouts to her "Do you know anything about parachutes?""No", she says, "Do you know anything about gas stoves?"
This guy buys a parrot. Every morning he stands in front of the cage and asks in a pleasant voice "Can you talk?" This goes on for weeks with absolutely no 
response from the bird.Finally one morning, totally fed up, he shouts:"CAN YOU TALK, YOU STUPID CREATURE? CAN YOU TALK?"The bird looks him in the eye and says "I 
can talk, all right. Can you fly"
HUMAN CANNONBALL: "That does it, I quit!"CIRCUS MANAGER: "But where will I ever find another man of your caliber?"
DOCTOR: I've got some bad news and I've got some really bad news.PATIENT: Give me the bad news first.DOCTOR: Well, you have about twenty-four hours 
to live I'm afraid.PATIENT: That's terrible, what's the really bad news?DOCTOR: I've been trying to call you since yesterday...
This guy walks into a bar, carrying a crocodile and a chicken. He sets them down on the stool next to him, and says to the (uncertain-looking) bartender "I'll have 
a Scotch and Soda."Then the crocodile says "And I'll have a Whiskey Sour".The dumbfounded bartender gasps "That's incredible, I've never seen a crocodile that could 
talk!"And the guy says "He can't, the chicken is a ventriloquist."
A man goes to his psychiatrist and explains that on Monday through Thursday he feels like a TeePee and on Friday through Sunday he feels like a Wigwam.The psychiatrist 
explains:"Your problem is obvious, you're two tents."
What's the difference between a well dressed man and a tired dog?One wears a suit, and the other just pants.
My mother in law called in today...I knew it was her, when she knocked on the front door all the mice threw themselves on the traps!
I had a job lined up as a chimney sweep, but it fell through.I was supposed to work in the blood lab, but they told me I wasn't the right type for the 
job.Then the offer I had to work for Marboro went up in smoke.I was a trapeze artist for a while, but then I was let go.I applied for a job as a 
telemarketer but didn't get the call.
My wife and I were sitting out on our back porch, enjoying a glass of lemonade after a long hard day. A bird flew over and, with perfect aim left a deposit squarely in the 
middle of my wife's head. She reached up, felt the damage, and shouted:"Quick, get some toilet paper""It wouldn't do any good", I quipped, "He's miles away by now."
Old eskimo saying..."Never eat yellow snow."
Do ya guys wanna hear a joke about a chocolate cake?Forget it... it's too crummy.
What do you get when you cross a Pit Bull with Lassie?A dog that rips your leg off and then runs for help!
Old Chief Gnarled Oak, turned into a millionaire by the discovery of oil on his reservation, was proud and pleased when his two boys were accepted into a swank yacht club. 
For years, it seemed, his one consuming ambition was to see his red sons in the sail set.
The famous Statesman, William Penn, had two old aunts named Natalie and Ellie who were great at baking pies. But, alas, they got greedy and raised the prices 
up and up till all the people in Quakertown were talking about the pie rates of Penn's aunts.
When Mary Poppins grew too old for the nanny business, she moved out to L.A., to open a fortune-telling shop and mouth-wash store. She hung a sign out 
her window upon opening, which said:"SUPER CALIFORNIA MYSTIC AND EXPERT AT HALITOSIS"
Dyslexics of the World..... UNTIE!
Did you hear about the woman who went to the bank and got a home improvement loan, took it home, gave it to her husband and told him to get lost.
Old Mother Hubbord went to the cubbord to get her poor daughter a dress. When she got there the cubbard was bare and so was her daughter, I guess.
Mary had a little lamb, The Dr.'s were surprised.But when Old McDonald had a farm, they almost passed out.
Why did the American Siamese twins goto England?So the other one could drive for a while.
One day in Russia, Rudy, a Communist Party member, was discussing the upcoming stormy weather with his wife, Helga. Rudy said it looked like a huge rainstorm was coming, 
but Helga said it was surely snow! Rain, said Rudy insistently! Snow, said Helga, stubbornly! This went on for quite some time, until the exasperated husband finally 
said:"Rudolph the Red, knows rain, dear!!!!!!!"
Why are they raising the drinking age to 23 in Ireland?To cut the drinking out of the elementary schools.
What did the boy mushroom say to the girl mushroom?Hey, I'm a fun guy!
How can a women lose lots of ugly fat quick?DIVORCE HIM!!!!
What lies at the bottom of the sea and whimpers?A nervous wreck.
How does a blind parachutist know when he is about to land?The lead goes slack!
Many an American tourist around Windsor Castle have been heard asking:"Why did they build it so close to the airport?"
Why did the chicken cross the road?To prove to the armadillo that it could be done.
Pat and Mick landed themselves a job at a sawmill. Just before morning tea pat yelled: "Mick! I lost me finger!""Have you now?" says Mick. "And how did you do 
it?""I just touched this big spinning thing here like thi... Damn! There goes another one!"
A cucumber and a tomato meet in a saladbar.Cucumber: Gee, how come you look so red?Tomato: I saw the salad dressing.
What's black, has four legs and flies?Two pairs of trousers.
"I saw a horrible accident on the way to the club tonight... Two taxicabs collided and 30 scotsmen were killed..."
How many blind people does it take to change a light bulb?It depends whether the switch is on or off.
What's the difference between yoghurt and Australia?Yoghurt has a real live culture.
What's the difference between 2 Jehova's witnesses and a Lada?You can shut the door on 2 Jehova's witnesses.
Why do LADA's have heated rear windscreens?To keep your hands warm when you're pushing them.
What do you call a LADA with a sun-roof?A skip.
How can you double the worth of a LADA ?By filling its gasoline tank.
Why is a LADA so handy during the Finnish winter ?You don't need safety belts - you freeze tightly to the seat.
Why do they give away free TVs with Ladas?So you've got something to do while waiting for the mechanic to come and fix it.
What do you call someone who buys a second-hand Lada?A scrap dealer.
But how do you tell the Lada buyer from all the other people with dark glasses?He's the one with the white stick..
English Tourist: Hello. Do you farm around here?Cornish Farmer: Aye.English Tourist: Fantastic day isn't it?Cornish Farmer: Aye.English Tourist: 
Have you lived here all of your life?Cornish Farmer: Not yet.
What do you call a man with a spade in his head?Doug.
How do you get an Irishman to burn his ear?Ring him up while he's ironing.
Q. Why does a duck have flat feet?A. To stamp out fire in the woods.Q. Why does an elephant have flat feet?A. To stamp out burning ducks.
A lawyer has died and gone to heaven. When he gets at the gate to heaven, he sees St. Peter and starts to complain:"Why have I died? I'm only 39, I could easily 
have lived to be 80!"St. Peter replies:"According to the number of hours you charged your clients you ARE 80....."
What do you call a LADA with twin exhausts ?A wheelbarrow.
What do you call a blind dinosaur?Imsureheneversaurus.
When is a door not a door?When it is ajar!!
A city slicker drives through a little town, and stops at a gas station to fill up. Going into the station to pay he sees a man playing checkers with a dog. "Utterly 
fantastic", he gasps, "a dog who plays checkers. You could take him to the city and make piles of money with him."After his next move the man looks up and says:
"Awh, he ain't so smart. I can beat him two out of three."
A man from Farmborough goes into a pub with a pig under his arm. As he walks in, the barman spots him and exclaims, "Hell fire! That's an ugly looking animal you've 
got there ! Where on Earth did you get it ?""I won it in a raffle", says the pig.
How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb?That depends on whether it has health insurance.
How many dope addicts does it take to screw in a light bulb?Two. One to roll it and one to light it up.
How many efficiency experts does it take to replace a light bulb?None. Efficiency experts replace only dark bulbs.
How many existentialists does it take to screw in a light bulb?Two. One to screw it in and one to observe how the light bulb itself symbolizes a single 
incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a maudlin cosmos of nothingness.
How many junkies does it take to screw in a light bulb?Oh wow, is it like dark, man?
How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?Whereas the party of the first part, also known as 'Lawyer', and the party of the second part, also known 
as 'Light Bulb', do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result 
of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from.....
How many missionaries does it take to screw in a light bulb?101. One to screw it in and the other 100 to convince everyone else to screw in light bulbs too.
How many netters does it take to submit a light bulb joke?1000. One to submit the joke and 999 to submit "How many programmers does it take to screw in a 
light bulb? None, that's a hardware problem."
How many psychoanalysts does it take to screw in a light bulb?How many do you think it takes?
How many punk rockers does it take to screw in a light bulb?Two. One to screw in the light bulb and the other to smash the old one on his forehead.
How many circus performers does it take to screw in a light bulb?Four. One to change the bulb and three to go, "Ta da!"
This Irish guy ordered a pizza with everything on it. When it came out of the oven, the guy asked him if he'd like it cut into four or eight pieces."Make it four," 
said the Irishman."I'll never be able to eat eight."
Why do Australian men piss in the garden at parties?Because there's always someone throwing up in the loo!
Did you hear about the Irishman who was tap dancing?He broke his ankle when he fell into the sink.
Lem and Clem stood by a car in which they had locked the key."Why don't we get a coat hanger to open it" Lem asked."No," answered Clem. "People will 
think we're trying to break in."Lem said, "What if we use a pocket knife to cut around the rubber, then stick a finger in and pull up the lock?""No," said 
Clem. "People will think we're too dumb to use a coat hanger.""Well," sighed Lem, "we'd better think of something fast. It's starting to rain and the sun roof is open!"
You know you're a redneck if your most successful pick-up line is........ "Hey Baby, nice tooth!"
What do you do with a dog with no arms and no legs?Take it for a drag.
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
How does the guy who drives the snowplough get to work in the mornings?
If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the frying pan?
Why do you keep a blonde on the job 7 days a week?So you don't have to retrain them on Monday.
What do you call a blonde with 1/2 a brain?Gifted.
How can you tell if a blonde has been using your lawn mower?The green 'Welcome' mat is ripped all the shreds.
Why did the blonde climb the glass wall?To see what's on the other side.
What do blondes and beer bottles have in common?Both empty from the neck up.
Why was the blonde fired from the M&M factory?She was eating all the W's.
How do you confuse a blonde?Give her a pack of M&M's and tell her to put them in alphabetical order.
What do you call 10 blondes standing in a row?Wind tunnel.
How does a blonde kill a fish?She tries to drown it.
What's similar about UFO's and a smart blonde?You keep hearing about them, but never see one...
If a blonde and a brunette fell out of an airplane, who would land first?The brunette. The blonde would have to stop and ask for directions.
Why don't blondes like pickles?They keep getting their head stuck in the jar..
What do you call a brunette between 2 blondes?An Interpreter.
What do you call a blonde who has dyed her hair black?Artificial intelligence.
How many blondes does it take to make chocolate chip cookies?100 - 1 to stir and 99 to peel the M&Ms.
How can you tell when a blonde has used your computer?Whiteout all over the screen.
What's similar about Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, and Smart Blondes?They are all make-believe.
Why do blondes write TGIF on their shoes?Toes Go In First
How do you change a blondes mind?Blow in her ear.
What do four blondes have in common?Nothing they can think of.
How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday night?Tell her a joke on thursday...
What's the difference between an intelligent blonde and a U.F.O.?There have been U.F.O. sightings.
How do you drown a blonde?Put a mirror at the bottom of the pool....
What goes "VROOOM.... SCREECH.... VROOOM.... SCREECH.... VROOOM.... SCREECH!"A blonde at a flashing red light!
What happened to the Blonde terrorist who tried to blow up a bus?She burned her lips on the exhaust pipe.
How does a blonde haemophiliac cure herself?With acupuncture!
Why does a blonde eat beans on Saturday?So she can take a bubble bath on Sunday.
Did you hear about the blonde who was two hours late getting home because the escalator got stuck?
Why couldn't the blonde make koolaid?She couldn't fit all the water into that little packet!
What did the blonde say when the job interviewer asked her to spell her name? "H-E-R N-A-M-E."
How did the blonde break her arm raking leaves?Fell out of the tree.
Man and tall brown bear wearing a hat go into a bar.Man: "I'll have a pint of beer, and the bear'll have a large Matabooboo."Bartender: "What's a 
Matabooboo?"Bear: "Nuttin' Yogi."
What do you say to an Arts graduate with a job?"I'll have a hamburger please."
Insomnia isn't anything to lose sleep over.
Gravity brings me down.
While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery.
Xerox never comes up with anything original.
If your feet smell and your nose runs........ you're built upside down.
Monty Python:- My dog's got no nose.- But how does it smell?- Awful.
Three statisticians go out hunting together. After a while they spot a solitary rabbit.The first statistician takes aim and overshoots.The second 
aims and undershoots.The third shouts out "We got him!".
What's that brown stuff between an elephant's toes?Slow natives.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs who lies on your doorstep?Matt.
What has one horn and gives milk?A milk lorry.
How do you get 100 Liverpool supporters in a mini?Get the police to open the doors for them.....
Where do you find a tortoise with no legs?Where you left it.
An Australian farmer is sitting on a stone near his farm, all covered in blood and crying. His neighbor passes by."What's wrong?" the neighbor asks."I 
bought a new boomerang," the crying guy answered."So, why are you crying?" the neighbor asks again."I can't throw the old one away...."
A sailor walks into a bar with a wooden leg, hook hand and an eyepatch over his eye. He and the barman starts to talk:Barman: "What happened to you?"Sailor: 
"Well, a whale bit off my leg, I was in a sword fight and lost my hand, and then a bird shat in my eyes"Barman: "You don't lose you eye even if a bird shits 
in it!"Sailor: "It's easy when you have had the hook for only one week!!!!"
The patient shook his doctor's hand in gratitude and said:"Since we are the best of friends, I would not want to insult you by offering payment. But I would 
like for you to know that I had mentioned you in my will." "That is very kind of you," said the doctor emotionally, and then added:"Can I see that 
prescription I just gave you? I'd like to make a little change..."
A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. 
The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheelin' and dealin' they settled for $10000 for the duck and the 
pot.Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger: "Your duck is a ripoff! I put him on the pot before a whole audience and he 
didn't dance a single step!""So?" asked the ducks former owner, "Did you remember to light the candle under the pot?"
What to you call a man with a seagull on his head?Cliff.
There was this man in a restaurant who had ordered some soup. But the waiter kept him waiting (what else does a waiter do). The guy sitting next to him *did* 
have a dish of soup in front of him on the table, but he wasn't eating it. So our man takes this dish of soup and starts eating.When he's almost finished he 
noticed a dirty hairy comb lying on the bottom of the dish, so he puked all the soup back into the dish.The guy next to him says: "That's just as far as I got too."
How do you make a Irishman spill his pint?Ask him the time.
Little Tommy walks into his primary school classroom one morning to be confronted by his teacher....Miss: "Ahh, Good Morning Tommy, and where were you yesterday?"
Tommy: "I'm sorry Miss, but my Grandad got burnt."Miss: "He wasn't too badly hurt was he?"Tommy: "Oh aye Miss, they don't mess around at these crematoriums you know."
A condo committee was screening a couple interested in renting an apartment:"What kind of work do you do?" they were asked."My husband is an engineer and I'm a 
school-teacher," the wife replied."Any children?" asked a committee member."Yes, 7 & 8 years old," the wife replied."Animals?" asked another 
committee member."Oh no! They're very well-behaved!"
There was a cannibal walking through the jungle and he came upon a restaurant opened by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry he sat down and looked over the 
menu...     Broiled Missionary $25.00     Fried Explorer     $35.00     Baked Politician   $100.00The customer called the cook 
over and asked "Why such a price difference for the politician?"The cook replied "Have you ever tried to clean one of them?"
Did you hear what happened to the guy who couldn't keep up payments to his exorcist?He was repossessed.
What's black and shrivelled and hangs from the ceiling?An Irish Electrician.
What do you call an man with no lower legs?Neil.
What is the difference between Cinderella and a member of the England Football Team?Cinderella got to the ball.
A woman goes into a greengrocer and is looking round anxiously at a pile of oranges."Can I help you madam?" asks the shopkeeper."Well, I was looking for 
some fruit for my husband. Have these oranges been treated with any posoinous fertilizer or weedkiller?"She replies, "No madam, you'll have to get that from 
the Chemists."
Why are elephants large, grey and wrinkled?Because if they were small, white and smooth they'd be asprins.
Why are elephants wrinkled?Have you ever tried to iron one?
The Lone Ranger and his faithful indian companion Tonto were pursuing a vicious gang of renegade Apaches. They had ridden into a box canyon when they suddenly 
discovered that all exits were blocked by their quarry, and the hunters were now the hunted."Looks like the end of the trail for us, Tonto.""What you mean 'us'... white man?"
Two Irishmen met and one said to the other, "Have ye seen Mulligan lately, Pat?"Pat said, "Well, I have and I haven't."His friend asked, "Shure, and 
what d'ye mean by that?"Pat said, "It's like this, y'see... I saw a chap who I thought was Mulligan, and he saw a chap that he thought was me. And when we got up to one another... it was neither of us."
How do you sink an Irish submarine?Knock on the hatch.
Sean was fishing and it started to rain, so he moved under the bridge for shelter.His pal McGinty saw him and called, "Sean, me boy, are ye afeared of a few 
spots o' rain, now?"Sean replied, "I'm not... the fish come here fer shelter."
The Irish water polo team drowned four horses during the first chukka.
The first Irish National Steeplechase was finally abandoned.Not one horse could get a descent footing on the cathedral roof.
Concerning bagpipes:The Irish invented them and gave them to the Scots as a joke, and the Scots haven't seen the joke yet.
You know you're a redneck if your daughter gets married and all the wedding guests sit on the same side of the church.
"I just got a new hearing aid. It's the best one I've ever had.""What kind is it?""Oh, about 9:30......."
The dumb blonde was invited on an outing so she decided to shop for some luggage. She asked the clerk, "Do you have any overnight cases?""Yes'm," 
he said."You'd better give me seven of them, then. I'll be gone a week."
Why are there Interstate Highways in Hawaii?
Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
You know that little indestructable black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
You know you're a redneck if your sister stands you up for a date to go out with your Dad!
This big, brawny, dark-skinned Latin feller walks into a bar.On his shoulder is a beautiful blue-and-red parrot.The bartender says, admiringly:"That's 
beautiful; where'd you get it?"And the parrot says:"Down in Mexico; there're millions of 'em!"
There was a young man from Rangoon,Who's farts could be heard on the moon,When you least would expect them,They'd roar from his rectum,With a sound 
like a double bassoon!
A teacher was testing her class's ability to taste by giving them life savers. First, she gave them all red ones and their hands went up, "Cherry!", "Very good," said 
the teacher.Next she gave them a white one and they thought about it and finally one kid said, "Peppermint?" "Excellent," said the teacher.Finally she gave 
them honey flavored brown ones. They tasted the lifesaver, but could not name the flavor."I'll give you a clue, it's something that your mommy calls your 
daddy."Suddenly Dirty Ernie shouted, "Quick, spit them out! They're assholes!"
Last year a guy went to a doctor because he was losing weight. He found out he had a tapeworm, and was instructed by the doctor to bring a muffin, a twinkie and a 
cookie with him on his next visit.When he was being examined the doctor shoved the muffin, the twinkie, and finally the cookie up the guy's ass.The patient 
protested, but the doctor calmed him down, saying it was part of the therapy.This treatment continued for several weeks and every time the doctor shoved a muffin, 
a twinkie and a cookie up his ass. Finally, after many visits, the Doctor instructed the patient to bring a muffin, a twinkie and a mallet for the next visit.The 
day arrived and this time the doctor shoved only the muffin and the twinkie up the patient's ass.After a few minutes the tapeworm appeared out of his asshole and 
demanded, "Where's my cookie!?"......... WHAM THWACK WHAM!!!!!!!!
"Oh, what a lovely cow!" exclaimed the young woman from the city. "But why doesn't it have any horns?""There are many reasons," said the farmer. "Some cows don't 
have them until later in life. Others have them removed, while other breeds are born without them. This cow doesn't have any horns because it's a horse."
A lawyer was helping a poor old widow settle her husband's estate. Upon completion of the job, he charged her $100.00. She opened her purse, and took out one of the few 
remaining contents a one hundred dollar bill. After he left the attorney discovered that the bill had another $100.00 bill stuck to it.Immediately, the lawyer was 
faced with an ethical dilemma...... whether or not to tell his partner.
Why did Helen Keller's hands bleed?She tried to read a sheet of sandpaper.
"Can you count," asked the golfer to the caddy asking for a job."Yes sir,"said the boy."Can you add," asks the golfer."Yes sir," said the boy."Okay 
then, how much is 4 + 5 + 7 ?""9 sir.""Excellent, you got the job!"
Why are fire engines red?Two plus two makes four. Three times four makes twelve. There are twelve inches in a ruler. Queen Elizabeth is a ruler. Queen Elizabeth is 
also a boat. Boats sail on the ocean. Fish live in the ocean. Fish have fins. The Finns fought the Russians. The Russians are red. And that's why fire engines are red, because 
they're Rushin' all over!
Did you hear about the cannibal who passed his brother in the jungle?
How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?By the taste.
What did Tarzan yell when he saw the elephants coming?The elephants are coming!!!!
Why did they stop the leper hockey game?There was a face off in the corner.
How do you sink a polish submarine.Knock on the door!!
What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of shit?The bucket.
What do you call 1,000 lawyers at the bottom of the sea?A damn good start.
What do you call a plane load of lawyers that goes down at sea with one seat empty?A Damn shame!!!!
Dad: Son, what do you want for your birthday?Son: Just a radio, dad, with a sports car around it.
So this lady walks into a bar carrying a duck under her arm.A drunk at the bar looks up and says: "That's the ugliest pig I ever saw!"The lady says, "You stupid 
drunk. That's not a pig, that's a duck!".And the drunk says, "I was talking to the duck."
What has 300 legs and seven teeth?The front row at a Willie Nelson concert.
What is the best thing about Alzheimer's disease?You meet so many new people.
Why don't elephants pick their nose?Cuz there's nowhere to hide a 6 foot booger!
A blind guy walks into a department store with his seeingeye dog and, for no apparent reason, grabs the dog by the tail and starts swinging the poor mutt around and 
around.A clerk rushes over to the man to see if he could help. "Excuse me sir, can I assist you in some way?"And the blind man replies, "No thanks, just looking!"
What do you call an armless, legless, water skiier?Skip.
What is seven miles long and goes five miles per hour?A mexican funeral with only one set of jumper cables.
What do you say to a mexican in a three-piece suit?Will the defendant please stand.
What do you get when you play a country song backwards?You get your house back, your car back, your woman back, and you get your whole damn life back.
I remember when I was so depressed I was going to jump out a highrise window.I tell you I get no respect; when they sent a priest up to talk to me he said, "On your mark. Get set...."
A little girl went to the Judge and asked to be taken away from her parents...Judge: "Little girl, don't you want to live with your Mommy?"Little Girl: "No, my 
Mommy beats me."Judge: "Little girl, don't you want to live with your Daddy?"Little Girl: "No, my Daddy beats me too."Judge: "Well little girl, who do you 
want to live with?"Little Girl: "I want to live with the Everton Football Club because they never beat anyone!"
The golfer had lost his ball and was a little annoyed with his caddy:"Why the hell didn't you watch where it went?""Well sir," said the boy, "it don't usually go 
anywhere, so when you did hit the ball, it sort of caught me by surprise."
Jesus and Moses went out to play golf one day. Moses tees off on the first hole, and hits a beautiful 250yard drive right in the middle of the fairway. Jesus steps up, and 
hits a wormburner about 50 yards.Moses started to laugh, but then a mouse picked up the ball and ran down the fairway. A hawk swooped down from the sky, picked up the 
mouse, flew over the green, and dropped the mouse. The mouse dropped the ball, and the ball rolled right in the cup.Moses turned to Jesus and says, "Are you gonna play golf or just screw around?"
A young boy walked up to his father and asked,"Dad? Does a lawyer ever tell the truth?"The Father thought for a moment."Yes Son," he replied, "Some times a lawyer will do anything to win a case."
Two dogs walking through the woods, both get caught in bear traps.One dog says, "We need to chew off a leg to get loose."The other dog says no way.First dog 
chews off his leg, goes in to town, gets patched up by the vet, and comes back a few days later. The other dog is still in the trap.The first dog says, "You need to 
chew off your leg to get loose."The other dog says, "I already chewed off three legs and I still ain't free."
Did you hear about the cement truck that crashed into the prison bus?They ended up with a bunch of hardened criminals.
Did you hear about the boatload of red paint that crashed into a boat carrying blue paint?13 passengers were marooned.
A lawyer, doctor and priest were on an airplane over the ocean. The plane went down and the only survivors were those three. They started swimming towards an island when 
sharks appeared.SNAP!!! The doctor was eaten.SNAP!!! The priest was eaten.The lawyer made it to the island, and was later picked up and returned to port. The 
press asked him why the sharks ate the other two and not him. He replied, "Professional courtesy."
There once was a minister who found that he had grown away from his congregation. So, in an attempt to come closer to his parishioners, he decided to visit each of them 
personally.At the home of one elderly widow he was invited in, but asked to sit and wait while she finished preparing her evening meal. As he sat, he noticed a bowl of 
peanuts on the side table and he ate a few. Time passed and he ate a few more. He went over some sermons in his mind and ate a few more peanuts. Suddenly, to his suprise, he 
ralized that he had eaten all of the peanuts.When the woman returned from the kitchen he began to appologize by saying that he was extremely sorry and quite embarrassed, 
but in his hunger he had eaten all of her peanuts.She replied by saying, "Don't worry reverend, since I lost my false teeth all I can do is suck off the chocolate, anyway...."
There was a plane and it had 5 people in it: a president, a lawyer, a young teenage boy, a priest and a blonde girl. The plane driver said that the plane was going to crash 
so one of them has to jump off without a parachute because there was only 4 so they were talking to each other about who was going to jump off without a parachute.The 
president spoke first and he said "I run a part of this earth so I should get a parachute" so he jumped off with one.Then the blonde girl spoke and she said "I look 
beautiful so I should get one too" so she jumped off with one.The next person to speak was the lawyer and he said "I help people solve their problems so I should get 
one" so he jumped off with one.Now there was only two people left: a priest and the teenage boy.The priest said to the boy "here you take the last parachute and go 
because you will live a longer life then me" but then the boy said "no, it's all right because there are still 2 parachutes left. The blonde girl only took my backpack".
A drunk staggers out of a bar and runs into two priests. He goes over to the first priest and says, "Dude, I'm Jesus Christ!" And the priest says, "No son, you're not." 
So the drunk goes over to the second priest and says, "Man, I'm Jesus Christ!" Then the priest says, "No son, you're not."Finally, the drunk had enough and said, 
"Here, I'll prove it."He walks back into the bar with both priests and the bartender looks up and sees the drunk and says, "Jesus Christ, you're back AGAIN?"
A man is filling up his car tank with gasoline and accidentally gets some on his hand. He doesn't notice it, so when he gets into his car he lights a cigarette. His arm instantly 
catches on fire. The man sticks his arm out the window and begins to wave it around attempting to blow out the flames crawling up his sleeve.A policeman sees the man 
struggling with his arm on fire and arrests him on the spot for an unlicensed firearm.
Man: "What would you do if I won the lottery?"Woman: "Take half and leave!"Man: "Well, I won 20 bucks, here's 10 now get out!"
Why don't they play poker in the jungle?Too many Cheetahs!
Teacher: "If you had one dollar and you asked your father for another, how many dollars would you have?"Vincent: "One dollar."Teacher: "You don't know your arithmetic."Vincent: "You don't know my father."
An uneducated father with his educated son went for a camping. They set up a tent and slept.Father gets up after sometime and asks his son "What can you see in the sky?
"Son: "I can see many stars"Father: "What do all those stars mean?"Son: "That there are many planets."The father beats on his sons head and says "No, Someone has stolen our tent".
Two judges were stumbling home from their local pub, arms around each other, loudly singing Kenny Rodgers. "Hey," said one, "I think we're drunk.""You are right, and 
according to the law I will have to charge you with being drunk and disorderly," said his mate. "And you will have to appear before me at 10AM tomorrow," said the first.Next 
morning in court, the first pleaded guilty to the charge and was fined $10.They then switched places. "Drunk and disorderly, eh? You are fined $20.""Hey," protested 
the first, "When I was in was in chair I only fined you $10!""Yes," said the second judge, "But the offence is becoming too common. You are the second drunk to appear before the court this morning.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft.Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
A ham sandwich walks into a bar.The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve lunch here."
A woman walks into a cafe with a stomach ache. After a while she realizes she needs to relieve herself. Knowing her farts are loud, she decides to fart simultaneously with the 
cafe music.Every time the music gets really loud she let out a long fart.She saw that everyone in the cafe was staring at her and it was then she realized that she was wearing headphones the whole time...
A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus. "You mean a martini?" the bartender asks.The Roman replies, "If I wanted a double, I would have asked for it!"Another 
Roman walks up to the bar, holds up two fingers, and says, "Five beers, please."
Patient: "Doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains."Doctor: "Pull yourself together then."
Boy: "What's the difference between a tuna, a piano, and a pot of glue?"Girl: "I don't know."Boy: "You can tuna piano but you can't piano a tuna."Girl: "What about 
the pot of glue?"Boy: "I knew you'd get stuck there!"
One day a duck walks in a store and ask the manager if they sell grapes. The manager says, "No, we don't sell grapes."The duck goes home and comes back the next day and asks 
the same question. The manager says the same thing again, "No, we do not sell grapes."The duck goes home, comes back the next day, and asks the manager if they sell grapes. 
This time the manager says, "No, we don't sell grapes! If you ask one more time, I will nail your beak to the floor!"The duck goes home. It comes back the next day and asks 
the manager if he has any nails. The manager says, "No, I don't have any nails."The duck says, "Okay, good. Do you sell grapes?"
Teacher: "Where was the Constitution of India signed?"Student: "At the bottom of the page!"
Fred: "Why do elephants wear red nail polish?"Bob: "I don't know, why?"Fred: "To hide in cherry trees."Bob: "But I've never seen an elephant in a cherry tree."Fred: "See, it works."
How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.
What did the magnet say to the other magnet?I find you very attractive!
Patient: "I get a terrible pain in my eye when I drink a cup of coffee."Doctor: "Try taking the spoon out."
A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter.A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in pal. You're 
obviously drunk."The wasted man asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?""Yeah buddy, I'm sure," said the cop, "Let's go."Breathing a sigh of relief, 
the wino said, "Thank goodness. I thought I was crippled."
A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads "Talking Dog for Sale." Intrigued, he walks in."So what have you done with your life?" he asks the dog."I've led a very 
full life," says the dog. "I lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. Then I served my country in Iraq. And now I spend my days reading to the residents of a retirement 
home."The guy is flabbergasted.He asks the dog's owner, "Why on earth would you want to get rid of an incredible dog like that?"The owner says, "Because he's a 
liar! He never did any of that!"
An Indian cab driver picked up a Japanese man from a hotel. Along the way, they saw a Honda motorcycle overtake the taxicab and the Japanese guy said, "Motorcycle very fast, 
made in Japan."Then a Toyota car overtook the taxicab and the Japanese guy said, "Car very fast, made in Japan."When they reached the destination the fare was 1500 
rupees. The Japanese man thought the ride was would only cost 500 rupees. He asked the driver why the ride was so expensive.The driver said, "Meter very fast, made in India."
A Scotsman and a Jew went to a restaurant. After a hearty meal, the waitress came by with the inevitable check. To the amazement of all, the Scotsman was heard to say, "I'll pay it!", 
and he actually did.The next morning's newspaper carried the news item:"JEWISH VENTRILOQUIST FOUND MURDERED IN BLIND ALLEY".
There was an Australian, American and Irish astronaut all bragging to each other about what achievment they would to do in their careers.The Australian says "I want to be 
the first Australian to land on the moon"The American says "I want to be the first Human being to land on Mars!"The Irish astronaut says "I want to be the first human 
being to land on the Sun!"The American and Australian shake their heads and exclaim to the Irishman: "You can't land on the sun it's to hot you'll burn up!"The Irishman 
says "Well I'll go at night then!"
A blonde was driving down the highway to Disneyland when she saw a sign that said "DISNEYLAND LEFT".After thinking for a minute, she said to herself, "Oh well!" and turned 
around and drove home.On her way home the same blonde drove past another sign that said "CLEAN RESTROOMS 8 MILES".By the time she drove eight miles, she had cleaned 43 restrooms.
A brunette and a blonde are walking along in a park. The brunette says suddenly, "Awww, look at the dead birdie".The blonde stops, looks up, and says, "Where?"
A policeman pulled a blonde over after he/she'd been driving the wrong way on a one-way street.Cop: "Do you know where you were going?"Blonde: "No, but wherever it is, it must be bad 'cause all the people were leaving."
A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked "How much is 2+2?"The housewife replies: "Four!".The accountant says: "I think it's either 3 or 4. Let me run those 
figures through my spreadsheet one more time."The lawyer pulls the drapes, dims the lights and asks in a hushed voice, "How much do you want it to be?"
Tourist class in an airplane. Two arabs in the window and centre seats, a Jew is on the aisle. The arabs ask the jew if he'll get them some orange juice so they won't have to 
crawl over him. While he's in the galley they spit in his shoes.He brings the juice back. As the plane starts to land, he puts his shoes on, feels what's happened, and turns to 
them."When will it stop? The hatred, the violence, the killing... the spitting in the shoes?... The pissing in the orange juice?"
What is the difference between a psychopath and a neurotic?A psychopath knows for certain that five and five make eleven the neurotic knows the five plus five equals ten, but it worries him.
What's the difference between Prince Charles and a geyser?One is heir to the throne and the other is thrown to the air.
What do you call a lady with a toothpick in her head?Olive
What do you call a man with toilet paper in his mouth?John
A blonde and a redhead have a ranch. They had just lost their bull and so needed to buy another, but only have $500. The redhead tells the blonde, "I will go to the market and 
see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram."She goes to the market and finds one for $499. Having only one dollar left, she goes to 
the telegraph office and finds out that it costs one dollar per word. She is stumped on how to tell the blonde to bring the truck and trailer. Finally, she tells the telegraph 
operator to send the word "comfortable."Skeptical, the operator asks, "How will she know to come with the trailer from just that word?"The redhead replies, "She's a 
blonde so she reads slow: 'Come for ta bull.'"
Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building?Of course. The Empire State Building can't jump.
A bus full of ugly people had a head on collision with a truck. When they died, God granted all of them one wish.The first person said, "I want to be gorgeous." God snapped 
his fingers and it happened.The second person said the same thing and God did the same thing.This want on and on throughout the group. God noticed the last man in line 
was laughing hysterically. By the time God got to the last ten people, the last man was laughing and rolling on the ground.When the man's turn came, he laughed and said, "I 
wish they were all ugly again."
Why couldn't the leopard play hide and seek?Because he was always spotted.
In a Catholic school cafeteria, a nun places a note in front of a pile of apples:* Only take one. God is watching *Further down the line is a pile of cookies. A little 
boy makes his own note:* Take all you want. God is watching the apples *
What starts with E, ends with E, and has only 1 letter in it?Envelope.
A husband and wife were driving through Louisiana. As they approached Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town.They argued back and forth, then 
they stopped for lunch.At the counter, the husband asked the blonde waitress, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where 
we are very slowly?"She leaned over the counter and said, "Burrr-gerrr Kiiing."
Why did the can crusher quit his job?Because it was soda pressing.
A proud and confident genius makes a bet with (in his mind) an idiot.The genius says, "Hey idiot, every question I ask you that you don't know the answer, you have to give 
me $5. And if you ask me a question and I can't answer yours I will give you $5,000."The idiot says, "Okay." The genius then asks, "How many continents are there in the 
world?"The idiot doesn't know and hands over the $5.The idiot says, "Now me ask: what animal stands with two legs but sleeps with three?"The genius tries and 
searches very hard for the answer but gives up and hands over the $5000.The genius says, "Dang it, I lost. By the way, what was the answer to your question?"The idiot hands over $5.
A mom texts, "Hi! Son, what does IDK, LY, & TTYL mean?"He texts back, "I Don't Know, Love You, & Talk To You Later."The mom texts him, "It's ok, don't worry about it. 
I'll ask your sister, love you too."
There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for a half hour. Then a big trouble making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the 
guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying.The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to 
see a man cry.""No, it's not that," the man replies, wiping his tears, "This day is the worst of my life. First, I oversleep & I go in late to my office. My outraged boss 
fires me. When I leave the building to go to my car, I find out it was stolen. The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to go home, & when I get out, I remember I left my 
wallet. The cab driver just drives away. I go inside my house where I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave my home, come to this bar, & just when I was thinking about 
putting an end to my life, you show up & drink my poison."
Two guys are walking through a game park & they come across a lion that has not eaten for days. The lion starts chasing the two men. They run as fast as they can and the one guy 
starts getting tired and decides to say a prayer, "Please turn this lion into a Christian, Lord." He looks to see if the lion is still chasing and he sees the lion on its 
knees.Happy to see his prayer answered, he turns around and heads towards the lion. As he comes closer to the lion, he hears the it saying a prayer:"Thank you Lord for the food I am about to receive."
A police officer attempts to stop a car for speeding and the guy gradually increases his speed until he's topping 100 mph. The man eventually realizes he can't escape and 
finally pulls over.The cop approaches the car and says, "It's been a long day and my shift is almost over, so if you can give me a good excuse for your behavior, I'll let 
you go."The guy thinks for a few seconds and then says, "My wife ran away with a cop about a week ago. I thought you might be that officer trying to give her back!"
Why did the fish blush?Because it saw the ocean's bottom.
What's the difference between a guitar and a fish?You can tune a guitar, but you can't tuna fish.
Whoever invented knock knock jokes should get a no bell prize.
What did the green grape say to the purple grape?"Breathe, stupid!"
The energizer bunny was arrested on a charge of battery.
So two Irishmen are traveling to Australia. Before they leave home, one of their dads gives them both a bit of advice: "You watch them Aussie cab drivers. They'll rob you blind. 
Don't you go paying them what they ask. You haggle."At the Sydney airport, the Irishmen catch a cab to their hotel. When they reach their destination, the cabbie says, 
"That'll be twenty dollars, lads.""Oh no you don't! My dad warned me about you. You'll only be getting fifteen dollars from me," says one of the men."And you'll only be getting fifteen from me too," adds the other.
Mahatma Gandhi often walked barefoot which produced an impressive set of callouses on his feet. He also ate very little, making him rather frail and with his odd diet he often 
suffered from bad breath.This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed with halitosis. 
Teacher: "What is the chemical formula for water?"Student: "HIJKLMNO."Teacher: "What are you talking about?"Student: "Yesterday you said it's H to O!"
Four men are in the hospital waiting room because their wives are having babies.A nurse approaches the first guy and says, "Congratulations! You're the father of twins."
"That's odd," answers the man. "I work for the Minnesota Twins!"A nurse then yells the second man, "Congratulations! You're the father of triplets!". "That's weird," answers 
the second man. "I work for the 3M company!"A nurse goes up to the third man saying, "Congratulations! You're the father of quadruplets.". "That's strange," he answers. "I 
work for the Four Seasons hotel!"The last man begins groaning and banging his head against the wall. "What's wrong?" the others ask. "I work for 7 Up!"
Teacher: "Anyone who thinks he's stupid may stand up!"Nobody stands upTeacher: "I'm sure there are some stupid students over here!!"Little Johnny stands upTeacher: 
"Ohh Johnny. Do you think you're stupid?"Little Johnny: "No... i just feel bad that you're standing alone..."
A boy with a monkey on his shoulder was walking down the road when he passed a policeman who said, "Now, now young lad, I think you had better take that monkey to the zoo."
The next day, the boy was walking down the road with the monkey on his shoulder again, when he passed the same policeman. The policeman said, "Hey there, I thought I told 
you to take that money to the zoo!"The boy answered, "I did! Today I'm taking him to the cinema." 
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who's best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together.The 
priest begins: "When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his first communion.""I found a bear by the stream," 
says the minister, "and preached God's holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him."They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a 
body cast."Looking back," he says, "maybe I shouldn't have started with the circumcision."
What do you get when you cross a fish and an elephant?Swimming trunks.
A man walks out on his front porch one day and sees a gorilla in the tree on his front lawn. He calls animal control and about an hour later a man shows up with a ladder, a pit 
bull, and a shotgun. The animal control employee tells the man, "I'm here to get the gorilla out of your tree. I'm going to use this ladder to climb up the tree and shake the 
branch the gorilla is on to knock him to the ground. The pit bull is trained to go after anything that falls from the tree and bites their balls which calms the animal down so I 
can put him in the truck."The man says "Okay, I see what the ladder and the pit bull are for but what is the shotgun for?"The animal control employee says, "Oh, that's 
for you. In case I fall out of the tree instead of the gorilla."
A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. Afterward, the doctor comes out with the results. "I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the 
doctor says. "You're dying, and you don't have much time left.""Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "How long have I got?""Ten," the doctor says sadly."Ten?" the 
man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!""Nine..."
For a period, Houdini used a trap door in every single show he did...I guess you could say it was a stage he was going through.
An Amish husband, wife and son travel to the city on vacation. They visit a shopping mall and while the mother is shopping, the father and son are standing in awe in front of an 
elevator (having no idea what it is). As they watch, an elderly lady walks into the strange silver doors and the doors close. The father and son watch as the numbers go up, and 
then back down. When the doors open, a beautiful young woman walks out.The father leans over and whispers to the son, "Son, go get your mother!"
A Spanish captain was walking on his ship when a soldier rushes to him and exclaims, "An enemy ship is approaching us!"The captain replies calmly, "Go get my red shirt." The 
soldier gets the shirt for the captain. The enemy ship comes in and heavy rounds of fire are exchanged. Finally, the Spaniards win.The soldier asks, "Congrats sir, but why 
the red shirt?" The captain replies, "If I got injured, my blood shouldn't be seen, as I didn't want my men to lose hope."Just then, another soldier runs up and says, "Sir, 
we just spotted another twenty enemy ships!" The captain calmly replies, "Go bring my brown pants."
Paddy and Murphy are having a pint in the pub, when some scuba divers come on the TV. Paddy says, "Murphy, why is it them deep sea divers always sit on the side of the boat with 
them air tanks on their backs, and fall backwards out of the boat?"Murphy thinks for a minute then says, "That's easy. It's 'cos if they fell forwards, they'd still be in the friggin boat!"
Knock, knock.Who's there?I eat mopI eat mop who?You eat WHAT?
Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"Student: "Meat!"Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"Student: "Bacon!"Teacher: "Great! And what does the 
fat cow give you?"Student: "Homework!"
A lady comes home from her doctor's appointment grinning from ear to ear.Her husband asks, "Why are you so happy?" The wife says, "The doctor told me that for a forty-five year old woman,
I have the breasts of a eighteen year old.""Oh yeah?" quipped her husband, "What did he say about your forty-five year old ass?"She said, "Your name never came up in the conversation."
There was an elderly couple who in their old age noticed that they were getting a lot more forgetful, so they decided to go to the doctor. The doctor told them that they should start writing 
things down so they don't forget. They went home and the old lady told her husband to get her a bowl of ice cream. "You might want to write it down," she said. The husband said, "No, I can 
remember that you want a bowl of ice cream." She then told her husband she wanted a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream. "Write it down," she told him, and again he said, "No, no, I can remember: 
you want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream." Then the old lady said she wants a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top. "Write it down," she told her husband and again he said, 
"No, I got it. You want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top." So he goes to get the ice cream and spends an unusually long time in the kitchen, over 30 minutes. He comes out 
to his wife and hands her a plate of eggs and bacon. The old wife stares at the plate for a moment, then looks at her husband and asks, "Where's the toast?"
A bear walks into a restaurant and says:"I want a grilllllled.......................... cheese."The waiter says "Whats with the big pause?"The bear replies "Whaddya mean, I'M A BEAR."
Where does the General keep his armies?In his sleevies!
Two soldiers are in a tank.One looks at the other and says, "BLUBLUBBLUBLUBBLUB.........."
A man is walking in the desert with his horse and his dog when the dog says,"I can't do this. I need water."The man says, "I didn't know dogs could talk."The horse says, "Me neither!"
I couldn't believe that the highway department called my dad a thief.But when I got home, all the signs were there.
My grandfather died peacefully, in his sleep...... not screaming in fear like the passengers in his car.
Optimist: The glass is half full.Pessimist: The glass is half empty.Mother: Why didn't you use a coaster!
A recent scientific study showed that out of 2,293,618,367 people, 942 are too lazy to actually read that number.
When I look at chocolate, I hear two voices in my head.The first one says: "You need to eat that chocolate."The other voice goes: "You heard. Eat the chocolate."
Job interviewer: "And where would you see yourself in five years time Mr. Jeffries?"Mr. Jeffries: "Personally I believe my biggest weakness is in listening."
Two teenagers, Fred and Joe, meet after school and Fred is all excited:"Man I was at the most awesome party this weekend! We went to this dude's house and guy had toilets made of pure 
gold!""No way!""Yes way," insists Fred, "come with me and check it out for yourself if you don't believe me."Twenty minutes later they're ringing the doorbell at the place. A middle-aged 
lady opens and Fred eagerly asks her, "Hi! I'm sorry to bother you but there was a party at your house yesterday and my friend doesn't believe that you have toilet bowls of pure gold!"The lady 
looks at him for a moment and then yells into the inside of the house, "Roger, the pig that shat in your trombone is here!"
A police officer stops a minivan full of elderly ladies being driven by an old gentleman because they're only going 25 mph, stopping the mid-day traffic.The policeman asks the driver why is he 
going so slow."Well that's the speed limit, isn't it! There was a sign saying 25 and everything!" the driver defends himself.The policeman sighs, "No, sir, that's the number of the highway 
you're on. It has nothing to do with the speed limit.""Oh, so that's what it means..." says the driver, looking shocked.The officer looks at the rest of the van and notices the grannies are 
looking somewhat frozen and stiff."What's up with the ladies?" he asks the driver.The driver scratches his head, "Um.... you see, we just got off highway 150"
At a disco:He: "Wow, what's a cute girl like you doing in a corner all alone?"She: "I had to fart."
"Mum, I'm already 14, can't I finally get a bra?!""NO Harold!"
Two fortune tellers meet.First one says, "We're going to have a hot summer again."The second one sighs happily: "Yes, it reminds me of the summer in 2092..."
My brother went to jail. He didn't take it very well. He was yelling insults and attacking everyone, he even threw his faeces on the wall.I don't think we will play Monopoly with him again.
The Queen takes the visiting pope for a ride in a carriage through London.Suddenly one of the horses farts very loudly. "I am terribly sorry," apologizes the embarrassed Queen.The pope 
replies, "Oh don't worry. If you hadn't said anything, I'd just think it was one of the horses!"
Little Johnny once bought his Grandma a very nice, luxurious toilet brush for her birthday. But when he went to visit her a couple of weeks later, it wasn't in the bathroom.Little Johnny asked 
his Grandma, "Gran, what happened to the toilet brush I gave you?""Darling, I'm sorry but I just didn't like it. It was too scratchy. After all those years, I've gotten used to the toilet paper."
At a job interview:"Mrs. Lober, what do you consider your greatest weakness?""Honesty.""Really? I don't believe that is a weakness at all.""And I don't give a rat's fart about 
your stupid opinion!"
What is black, sits in a tree and is very dangerous?A raven with a machine gun.
A guy asks his neighbor in an apartment building: "Mr Trepper, you live directly above me and you have the same 2 room apartment as I do. How many rolls of wallpaper did you buy when you moved 
in?""We got 18 rolls." answers the neighbor.Two months later the guy meets his neighbor again and says, "It's really funny, I put the wallpaper on everywhere and I still had 10 rolls left 
over."Neighbor smiles, "Yeah, so did we."
My teacher asked me to characterize myself in 5 words."Quite lazy."
A police officer stops a car and says: "Congratulations, sir! You are the 1,000,000th car to drive over this bridge and you win $10,000! What will you do with that money?"The driver gets very 
emotional and says, "First of all, I'll finally get my driver's license!"The wife cuts in, "Don't listen to him, officer, he's still drunk!"A hard-of-hearing granny from the back seat 
grumbles, "I knew we shouldn't have taken the stolen car!"A voice from the trunk adds, "Hey, have we passed over the border yet?"
Police officer: "Sir, I don't understand. You lost the credit card a year ago, why are you reporting it now?"Guy: "The thief wasn't spending nearly as much as my wife used to..."Police 
officer: "But why report it now?"Guy: "I think the thief's wife got hold of it now."
A boy is sitting on a bus and eating one piece of chocolate after the other. A man sits down next to him and says: "Eating so much chocolate is not healthy for you boy."The boy replies: "My 
grandfather died when he was 112 years old."The man asks: "You think he became so old because he was eating lots of chocolate?"The boy answers: "He became so old because he minded his own business."
Funny, those road signs: "Caution - Watch for children!"I mean, how dangerous can a child be?
A guy walks into a bar and says urgently to the bartender,"Give me a beer before trouble starts!" He drinks his beer and orders another, again saying, "Give me a beer before trouble 
starts!"The bartender is confused but lets it go for another two beers, when he finally asks, "Hey man, when are you gonna pay for those beers?"The guy answers, "And now the trouble starts!"
A priest falls into water and soon starts to drown. But his faith in God is strong and he knows God will save him.A small boat rows to him and offers help. "No! God will help me, thank you!" 
gasps the priest and continues drowning.A second, bigger boat comes by soon and tries to get the man out of the water. "No!" fights the priest. "God alone will save me!" The boat leaves and the 
priest finally drowns.In heaven, he feels quite betrayed and goes to ask God about it."Well, you moron," thunders the Lord, "and who do you think sent all those boats?!"
"Granny, why do you read obituaries every day?""Don't worry grandson. I just want to see who is single again."
A guy spends the night drinking in a bar.When he finally leaves at 4:30 he immediately falls over. He crawls for a while, then tries to get back up, falls, crawls, gets back up. On an on he goes 
on doing this until he finally gets home. There he falls in his bed and promptly starts snoring.In the morning, his wife sighs, "you've been drinking again, Joe, haven't you?""How on Earth 
could you guess that, darling?""You went and left the wheelchair at the bar again!!!"
I found my wife hanging from a rope in the attic.There was a note saying, "I really can't stand your criticsm any longer!"I quickly cut the rope and reanimated her. Thankfully I could bring 
her back to life.As she lay in my arms I could see her eyes slowly open and I said...."Come on, that's not how you spell criticism."
You stole my Microsoft Office and for that you're going to pay.You have my Word!
My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot.It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.
I just like to sleep naked.The air-hostess could have been a bit more understanding.
Father buys a lie detector that makes a loud beep whenever somebody tells a lie.The son comes home in the afternoon. Father asks him, "So, you were at school today, right?"
Son: "Yeah" ....Detector: "Beep."Son: "OK, OK, I was in a cinema" ....Detector: "Beep."Son: "Alright, I went for a beer with my friends."Father: "What?! At your age, I wouldn't touch 
alcohol!" ....Detector: "Beep."Mother laughs: "Ha ha ha, well, he really is your son!" ....Detector: "Beep."
I took away my ex-girlfriend's wheelchair.Guess who came crawling back to me?
If you donate a kidney, everybody loves you and you're a total hero.But try donating five kidneys, people start yelling, police get called..... sheesh!
Two men are playing golf. One of them is about to take a swing when a funeral procession appears on the road next to the course. He stops mid-swing, takes off his cap, closes his eyes, and bows his 
head in contemplation.His opponent comments: "That must be the most touching thing I've ever seen. You are a very feeling man."The man, recovering himself, replies, "Yeah, well we were 
married 35 years."
What is the worst combination of illnesses?Alzheimer's and diarrhea. You're running, but can't remember where.
Grandpa's last words will stay with me forever:"Quit rattlin' the ladder ya little hooligan!"
Patient to his doctor: "Doctor, please help me. I think I'm a moth."The doctor says: "I'm sorry, but I'm not your guy. You have to go see a psychiatrist."The patient sighs: "I wanted to. 
But the light in your office is so much brighter!"
A patient runs out of the operation room, screaming.A doctor stops him and asks: "Mr. Ainsley! What on Earth is happening?! Why are you running?!"The patient breathes heavily: "I was about to 
be operated on, doctor. And then the nurse said: "Come now, stop panicking. You'll manage just fine!""The doctor shrugs: "Oh but that's nice, no? Nurse being supportive to you?"The patient 
gets angry: "She was talking to the surgeon!"
Two friends are walking in a park when they're suddenly stopped by a mugger with a gun."Give me all your money!" demands the mugger.Both get out their wallets, but one of the friends slaps 
his forehead,"I totally forgot, Joe, I still owe you 150 dollars! Here you are!"
"Have you been sleeping by an open window, like I told you?" asks a doctor his patient."Yes, just like you said, doc.""And is the bronchitis gone now?""Not yet, so far the only things 
gone are my laptop and cellphone."
Two elderly ladies, Mabel and Evie, meet at a cafe for a nice cup of coffee and a cake.After a while, Mabel peers closely at Evie and says, "Evie, it looks like you have a suppository in your 
ear!""What?""It looks like you have a suppository in your ear, Evie!" says Mabel a bit louder."Oh," checks Evie, "you're right! Drat, well, at least I know where my hearing aid is now."
Earl and Johnny go out on a hunting trip together. The nights are already cold so they don't mind sharing the tent for one.At around 1 am, Earl wakes up suddenly: "Johnny, what do you think 
you're doing?!"Johnny: "My hands are cold, I was just warming them between these two pillows."Earl: "THOSE AREN'T PILLOWS!"
When you're dressed all in black and some smart-ass asks you who died, simply look around the room and say........ "I haven't decided yet."
Job interviewer: "And where would you see yourself in five years' time Mr. Jeffries?"Me: "Personally I believe my biggest weakness is in listening."
Women call me ugly occaisionally, but that's only until they hear how much money I make.Then they call me poor and ugly.
When I drink coffee I can't sleep.Really? I have the exact opposite.Wow, seriously?Yes, when I sleep I can't drink coffee.
I have a very good feeling about my job interview today. The manager said they were looking for somebody responsible."You've found your man," I responded, "whenever there was a problem in my last 
job, they always said that I was responsible!"
A boss announces to his staff:"I've lost a wallet with 500 dollars, if you find it, I'm offering a 100 dollars finder's fee!"A voice in the background says: "I'm offering 200!"
My neighbor came at me really aggressively, asking if I knew anything about her underwear disappearing from her clothes line.I can tell you, I nearly shit her pants.
Last night a Chinese guy came to my favorite bar.I asked him if he knew Kung Fu or some other martial art.He said, "Why do you ask me that? Is it just because I'm Chinese?!""No it's 
because you're drinking MY beer!"
They say you can't get a decent job without education.But look at Albert Einstein, he was a drop-out and still ended up being the first man on the moon!
I spent half an hour trying to take off my girlfriend's bra.I gave up at the end.I wish I never tried it on in the first place.
My step mother came to me and demanded that I take all her clothes off.So I took off her blouse.She said, "Now off with the skirt."I did, and she continued, "Now take off my 
stockings."And when I did that, she said, "Now the bra and the panties."I took them off. She continued, "And don't ever let me catch you wearing my stuff again!"
Two immigrants from Africa arrive in the United States and are discussing the difference between their country and the U.S.One of them mentions he's heard that people in the U.S. eat dogs, and 
if they're going to fit in, they better eat dogs as well. So they head to the nearest hot dog stand and order two 'dogs.'The first guy unwraps his, looks at it, and nervously looks at his 
friend."Which part did you get?"
Why did the crab cross the road?Actually, it never did. It used the sidewalk.
My ex-wife still misses me.But her aim is steadily improving.
I Googled "how to start a wildfire".I got 48,500 matches.
A patient bursts into a doctor's office..."Doctor, I believe I'm a deck of cards!"The doctor calmly replies, "Go sit in the waiting room, please, I'll be dealing with you later."
A guy was admitted to hospital with 8 plastic horses in his stomach.His condition is now stable.
"Wow, honey, I never thought our son would go that far!""Yeah, the catapult is really amazing.... Go get our daughter!"
Little Johnny and his father are in Ikea. Little Johnny ask loudly: "I need to piss. I need to piss! Please!!!"The father is embarrassed and says, "Please don't yell piss like that. Next time say that 
you want to sing."In the evening, mommy brings little Johnny and his sister to bed. She kisses them both good night, when suddenly little Johnny says, "Mommy, I'd really like to sing. The mother says, 
"I'm sorry but you can't. Your sister's already asleep.""But I really need to sing", insists Johnny.The mother sighs, "Ok, but just very quietly into my ear."
I got a job as a librarian, but it only lasted half an hour.Turns out, books about women's rights shouldn't go in the Sci-Fi/Fantasy section.
A lovey dovey couple are sitting on a bench in the park and she says, "My ear hurts me..." He kisses it gently and asks, "Is it better now, my darling?""It's all gone," giggles the girl, "but now I have 
a pain here," and she points to her neck. The boy kisses it tenderly and asks, "Better now, sweet pea?""It's all healed, my love! But now I have a very bad pain here," she replies and points to her 
clavicle."Excuse me," politely interrupts an old man from a neighboring bench, "this is really impressive! Do you heal hemorrhoids as well?"
A grandma and a grandpa are going out for their daily health walk and grandma can't decide. "I don't know, Joe, should I wear my bra? What do you think?""Yeah, Rosie, you better, it's quite muddy out."
Two farmers are walking down a road when suddenly they're passed by a headless biker.Weird, but  well. They continue down the road. After a while they are passed by a headless bicyclist.Hm..... 
They walk on for a bit when one says to the other, "Joe, how about you put the scythe on your other shoulder?"
American psychologists have isolated two fundamental reasons why men frequent bars.1) They don't have a woman.2) They do have a woman.
A grave digger comes home all tired and exhausted, nearly dragging his hands on the ground. "What on Earth happened?!" asks his wife."We were burying some mother-in-law or other, and the people applauded
 so much as we lowered her into the ground, that we had to do it again and again..... eight times over!"
Patient: "Doctor, please help me, I think I can see in the future."Doctor: "When did it start?"Patient: "Next Friday."
An American guy, a French guy, and a Scottish guy go for a beer. All their beers, by some coincidence or other, arrive with a fly in it.The American pushes the beer away in disgust.The French guy 
fishes out the fly and drinks the beer.The Scotsman takes the fly out by the wing and yells at it, "Spit it out, spit it out now ya little hussy!!!"
An elderly couple talk in the evening:"Honey, I'm so sorry that I let out my anger at you so often. How do you manage to stay so calm with my foul moods?""I always go and clean the toilet when that 
happens.""And that helps?""Yes.... because I'm using your toothbrush."
It's been raining for days now and my husband seems very depressed by it.He keeps standing by the window, staring.If it continues, I'm going to have to let him in.
A robber robs a bank, gets all the money and is about to leave, but before that he asks a customer who's lying on the floor, "Have you seen me rob this bank?""Yes, sir!" says the customer and gets 
promptly shot."Have you seen me rob this bank?" the robber asks another customer."Absolutely not, sir, but my wife here saw everything!"
A dung beetle goes into a bar and asks:"Yo, is this stool taken?"
I went to a really interesting lecture on kleptomania.I took a lot from it.
I tried playing Frisbee with my dog in the park.We tried for two hours, but really, I'd need a much flatter dog for that.
A ship has been badly damaged in a storm and things don't look good.The crew assembles on the deck and the captain shouts over the howling wind, "Men, it's bad. The helm is broken off, we have three huge 
holes, I really don't see this beauty making it to the shore. Is there anyone among you who knows how to pray?"Paul steps up and says, "I can, and I will, captain!""Excellent, you do that," shouts 
the captain. "Now the rest of you put on your life jackets, we were missing one."
A new boss is appointed in an office, and he has a really fierce reputation. He's walking through the office for the first time when he spots a guy just leaning against a doorframe, doing nothing just staring 
in mid-distance.The boss decides to show everybody how things are going to be from now on. He approaches the guy and asks him sternly, "What is your monthly salary?""$2,200" replies the man, a bit 
surprised.The boss whips out his wallet, thrusts $4,400 at the guy and yells, "There's your two weeks' pay, now get out of here and never show your face again!"The guy takes the money and leaves. The 
boss, feeling good he's shown everybody how idle hands are dealt with, asks, "So what was that lazy jerk doing in this place?"One clerk shrugs, "He just delivered our pizza." 
A boy comes home and proudly announces to his parents, "Mom, dad, the teacher asked the class a question today and I was the only one who knew the right answer!"The parents are very happy and ask, 
"That's amazing Lenny! And what was the question?"Sticking out his chest, the boys says, "Who farted?" 
A teenage boy is invited for lunch at his girlfriend's house. Because he made some bad food choices earlier, he simply has to fart when they're all at the table. The girlfriend's dad shouts at the large dog 
sitting under the boy's chair: "REX!"Seeing that the father thought it was the dog, the boy is much relieved. A minute later the boy has to fart again - and again audibly. The father snaps at the dog 
again: "REX!!"The boy is relieved again that the father thought it was the dog. Ten minutes later the boy farts again.The father shouts: "REX, come here before that boy craps on your head."
A man flies over the ocean. Suddenly the plane malfunctions and crashes on a remote island. He's the only survivor and when he becomes conscious, he sees a horde of cannibals approaching, led by a very strong 
guy with a spear. "Oh no, now I'm screwed..." he thinks.Suddenly he hears a voice in his head: "No, you're not screwed. Run to the guy with the spear, take it away from him and stab him in the stomach." 
So he stands up, runs to the guy and does exactly that.The voice in his head appears again: "See? Now you're screwed."
Two guys are drinking into the early hours and then decide to go sleep a bit and keep going. As they get to Roger's home, Joe is impressed with a huge gong that Roger has in his living room. "That's a really 
big gong you got there bro. Why?""Nah, that's not a gong. It's a talking clock! Look!" says Roger and bangs the gong with all his might.Very shortly, a chorus of annoyed neighbors starts, "What the 
hell, you crazy son of a gun, it's 3 am!!!"
Chuck Norris once made an onion cry.
One redneck to the other..."Do you think I should tell my folks I'm adopted?"
There was an Indian Chief, and he had three squaws, and kept them in three teepees. When he would come home late from hunting, he would not know which teepee contained which squaw, being dark and all. He went 
hunting one day, and killed a hippopotamus, a bear, and a buffalo. He put the a hide from each animal into a different teepee, so that when he came home late, he could feel inside the teepee and he would 
know which squaw was inside.Well after about a year, all three squaws had children. The squaw on the bear had a baby boy, the squaw on the buffalo hide had a baby girl. But the squaw on the hippopotamus 
had a girl and a boy.So what is the moral of the story?"The squaw on the hippopotamus is equal to the sum of the squaws on the other two hides."
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?"I don't know, and I don't care."
Have you seen Stevie Wonder's wife?Neither has he.
What do you call a woman with a wooden leg?Peg
What do you get when you cross a Jehovah's Witness with an Atheist?Someone who rings your doorbell for absolutely no reason at all!
Did you hear about the Chernobyl worker who grew 5 penises (penii?)?Now his pants fit him like a glove.
What do you call a psychic dwarf that just escaped from prison?A small Medium at large.
"Should I boil the new missionary?" asked the cannibal."No." replied the chief, "He's a friar."
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?Great food, no atmosphere.
What's invisible and smells like carrots?Bunny fart
Middle of the night, middle of nowhere, two cars slightly cross over the white line in the centre of the road. They collide and a fair amount of damage is done, although neither is hurt. It's impossible 
to assess blame for the accident on either however.They both get out. One is a doctor, one is a lawyer. The lawyer calls the police on his car phone - they'll be there in 20 minutes.It's cold and 
damp, and both men are shaken up. The laywer offers the doctor a drink of brandy from his hip flask, the doctor accepts, drinks and hands it back to the laywer, who puts it away."Arnt you going to have a 
drink ?" the doctor says."AFTER the police get here" replies the lawyer.
Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar."Get out of here!" shouts the bartender. "We don't serve your type."
Why did the gym close down?It just didn't work out!
Two artists had an art contest........ It ended in a draw!
I have a fear of speed bumps........ But I am slowly getting over it.
As a scarecrow, people say I'm outstanding in my field.... But hay - it's in my jeans.
I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high.She seemed surprised.
My grandfather invented the cold air balloon.It never really took off!
It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.
And the Lord said unto John, "Come forth and you will receive eternal life."But john came fifth, and won a toaster.
You don't need a parachute to go skydiving.But, you need a parachute to go skydiving twice.
My grandfather has a heart of a lion and a lifetime ban at the zoo.
Working in a mirror factory is something I can totally see myself doing.
I, for one, like Roman numerals.
My friend gave me his Epi-pen as he was dying.It seemed important to him that I have it.
Sixteen sodium atoms walk into a bar......... followed by Batman.
A horse walks into a bar...The bartender says, "Hey."The horse replies, "Sure."
What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common?Same middle name.
A photon walks into a hotel.The desk clerk says, "Can we help you with your luggage?"The photon says, "No, thanks. I'm traveling light." 
A man walks into a library, approaches the librarian and says, "I'LL HAVE A CHEESEBURGER AND FRIES, PLEASE."The librarian says, "Sir, you know you're in a library, right?""Sorry," he whispers. "I'll 
have a cheeseburger and fries, please."
A man takes his sick Chihuahua to the veterinarian. They're immediately taken back to a room.Soon, a Labrador walks in, sniffs the Chihuahua for 10 minutes and leaves.Then a cat comes in, stares at 
the Chihuahua for 10 inutes and leaves. Finally, the doctor comes in, prescribes some medicine and hands the man a $250 bill."This must be a mistake," the man says. "I've been here only 20 
minutes!""No mistake," the doctor says. "It's $100 for the lab test, $100 for the cat scan and $50 for the medicine."
"Oh, no!" the kangaroo groaned to her friend, the rabbit. "The forecast calls for rain"'"What's the problem with that?" asked the rabbit. "We could use some rain.""Sure," the kangaroo said. "But 
that means my kids will have to play inside all day!"
A businessman went into the office and found an inexperienced handyman painting the walls. The handyman was wearing two heavy parkas on a hot summer day.Thinking this was a little strange, the 
businessman asked the handyman why he was wearing the parkas on such a hot day.The handyman showed him the instructions on the can of paint. They read: "For best results, put on two coats."
A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door.He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can.A year later, there's another knock 
at the door. He opens it and sees the same snail.The snail says, "What was that all about?"
A cruise ship passes by a remote island, and all the passengers see a bearded man running around and waving his arms wildly."Captain," one passenger asks, "who is that man over there?""I have no 
idea," the captain says, "but he goes nuts every year when we pass him."
One day a man with an elephant walks into a movie theatre. "I'm afraid I can't let your elephant in here, sir," the manager says."Oh, I assure you, he's very well behaved," the man says."All right 
then," the manager says. "If you're sure....."After the movie, the manager says to the man, "I'm very surprised! Your elephant was well behaved, and he even seemed to enjoy the movie!""Yes, I was 
surprised, too," says the man. "He hated the book."
A prince was put under a spell so that he could speak only one word each year. If he didn't speak for two years, the following year he could speak two words and so on.One day, he fell in love with a 
beautiful lady. He refrained from speaking for two whole years so he could call her "my darling."But then he wanted to tell her he loved her, so he waited three more years.At the end of these five 
years, he wanted to ask her to marry him, so he waited another four years.Finally, as the ninth year of silence ended, he led the lady to the most romantic place in the kingdom and said: "My darling, 
I love you! Will you marry me?"And the lady said, "Pardon?"
A snail goes to buy a car. The salesman is surprised when the snail picks out a fast, expensive sports car. He's even more surprised when the snail requires that a big red 'S' be painted on both 
sides."Why would you want such a thing?" asked the salesman.The snail replied, "I want people to say, 'Look at that S car go!'"
A guy goes door to door looking for work. One homeowner hands him a brush and a can of paint and offers him $150 to paint his porch.A few hours later, the guy comes back to the homeowner and says,
"I'm finished.""But you should know that your car's a Ferrari, not a Porsche."
A man died and went to The Judgement. They told him, "Before you meet with God, I should tell you we've looked over your life, and to be honest you really didn't do anything particularly good or bad. We're 
not really sure what to do with you. Can you tell us anything you did that can help us make a decision?"The newly arrived soul thought for a moment and replied, "Yeah, once I was driving along and came 
upon a person who was being harassed by a group of thugs. So I pulled over, got out a bat, and went up to the leader of the thugs. He was a big, muscular guy with a ring pierced through his lip. Well, I tore 
the ring out of his lip, and told him he and his gang had better stop bothering this guy or they would have to deal with me!""Wow, that's impressive.... When did this happen?""About three minutes 
ago." came the reply.
Paddy & Murphy are walking through the woods, when they see a sign saying "Tree fellers wanted".Paddy turns to murphy, says "Ah... 'tis a shame there's only two of us!"
Did you hear about the prawn that went to a disco and pulled a muscle?
A Chrysanthemum by any other name would be easier to spell.........
Which Spice Girl can carry the most petrol?Geri can.
I accidentally handed my wife the superglue instead of her lipstick.She still isn't talking to me.
A neutron walks into a pub and orders a pint.The barman says he won't take its money: "No charge."
The Invisible Man married the Invisible Woman.Their children were nothing to look at.
A vulture boards a plane holding two dead rabbits.The hostess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry sir, but we only allow one carrion."
A farmer in a field counted 196 cows.When he rounded them up, he had 200.
One prisoner looks at the other and says: "It's times like these that I wish I had listened to what my mother told me."The other prisoner replied: "What did she tell you?""I don't know. 
I wasn't listening."
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services.He gasps, "I 
think my friend is dead! What can I do?".The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."There is a silence, then a shot is heard.Back on the phone, the guy 
says "OK, now what?"
Shot some turkeys yesterday.Gee, it was fun but folks in the frozen food section were a bit startled...
Police have brought in for questioning a bloke who was supposedly selling an elixir that would guarantee the drinker agelessness.Whilst having some 'gentle words' with the gentleman, another member 
of the Force was sent to look into his priors.He had an extensive list of prior convictions, it seemed.One in 1959, another in 1871, another in 1773, another in.... 
An elderly gent consults his doctor about constipation and is prescribed a suppository with the instructions to 'place in his back passage'.A week later he returns to the doctor, who inquires whether 
the suppository worked."Well...." says the old fella, "I got the suppository but I don't have a back passage at home so I stuck it out by the side gate and waited.""For all the good it did, I might 
as well have stuck it up me bum!"
A grasshopper walks into a Bar and orders a drink.The Barman says "Do you know there's a cocktail drink named after you?""What... a Nigel"? says the grasshopper.
A man walks into a zoo.The only animal in the entire zoo is a dog.It's a Shitzu.
An Alsatian went to a telegram office and wrote: "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof."The clerk examined the paper and told the dog: "There are only nine words here. You could send 
another 'Woof' for the same price.""But," the dog replied, "that would make no sense at all."
It's the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbour if someone will be 
sitting there. "No," says the neighbour. "The seat is empty.""This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final and not use it?"The neighbour 
says, "Well actually the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven't been to together since we got married.""Oh, I'm so 
sorry to hear that. That's terrible... But couldn't you find someone else, a friend, relative or even a neighbour to take her seat?"The man shakes his head. "No," he says. "They're all at her funeral."
A guy dies and is sent to hell.Satan meets him, shows him doors to three rooms, and says he must choose one to spend eternity in.In the first room, people are standing in dirt up to their necks.
The guy says, "No, let me see the next room."In the second room, people are standing in dirt up to their noses.Guy says no again. Finally Satan opens the third room. People are standing with 
dirt up to their knees, drinking coffee and eating pastries. The guy says, "I pick this room."Satan says Ok and starts to leave, and the guy wades in and starts pouring some coffee.On the way out 
Satan yells, "OK, coffee break's over. Everyone back on your heads!"
Two aerials meet on a roof... fall in love... get married.The ceremony was rubbish... but the reception was brilliant.
I went to the doctors the other day and I said, "Have you got anything for wind?".... He gave me a kite.
My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well.I was amazed, I never knew they worked.
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
A jump-lead walks into a bar.The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything!"
A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar.The barman says, "Is this some kind of joke?"
I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day.Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.
I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov and there was a check tablecloth.It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West.He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
I recently swapped all the labels on my wife's spice rack, she hasn't noticed yet.But the thyme is cumin.
I'm sure my wife has been putting glue on my weapons collection.She denies it, but I'm sticking to my guns.
An elderly couple is in church.The wife says to the husband, "I've let out one of those silent farts, what do I do?"The husband says, "Change the battery in your hearing aid."
I got fired from my job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer 'Smoking' or 'Non-smoking'.Apparently the correct terms are 'Cremation' and 'Burial'.
My wife screamed in pain during labour so I asked, "What's wrong?".She screamed. "These contractions are killing me!!""I am sorry, honey." I replied. "What is wrong?"
A blonde got tired of all the blonde jokes being told at the office so one evening, she went home and memorized all the state capitals.Back in the office the next day, some guy started telling a 
dumb blonde joke.She interrupted him with a shrill announcement, "I've had it up to here with these blonde jokes. I want you to know that this blonde went home last night and did something probably 
none of you could do. I memorized all of the state capitals."One of the guys, of course, said, "I don't believe you. What is the capital of Nevada?""N" she answered.
My grandpa always used to say "as one door closes, another opens."A lovely man. A terrible cabinet maker.
My mate came second in a Winston Churchill look-a-like competition.He was close, but no cigar.
Remains to be seen if glass coffins become popular.
I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now.
A guy walks into a bar and asks for a beer "That'll be five dollars", says the bartender, and the guy throws 20 quarters onto the floor. Reluctantly, the bartender picks up the coins and serves the 
beer.The next day, the guy comes into the bar, asks for a beer, throws 20 quarters onto the floor, etc.The next day, again.On the fourth day, he asks for a beer, and hands the bartender a 
10$ bill. The bartender takes advantage of his chance for revenge, throws 20 quarters onto the floor and yells "here's your change asshole!"The guy looks down at the coins and says: "I'll have another beer, please."
Guy orders ten shots of whiskey and downs them bang, bang, bang.The bartender is like "Whoa, whoa, whoa.... why are you going so hard?" and the guy says "You'd drink like that too if you had what I have" and 
the bartender gasps and asks "Oh my god what do you have?"The guys says "Two dollars."
I'm kinda scrawny, so I had to quit my job as a personal trainer.Yeah, I gave 'em my too weak notice.
My girlfriend's dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one.It just made her more upset.She screamed at me, "What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?"
I tried to donate blood today... NEVER AGAIN!So many questions..."Who's blood is that?""How did you get it?".....
I recently discovered that someone had been putting soil in my yard.The plot thickens.
I tried to catch fog yesterday.......... Mist.
A blonde takes her car to be fixed.After the mechanic is done with his work he said "Nothing serious mam, just shit in the gas tank."The blonde asks "How often?"
The evolution of mathematics education during the last 30 years.1960's - A peasant sells a bag of potatoes for $10. His costs amount to 4/5 of his selling price. What is his profit?1970's - A 
farmer sells a bag of potatoes for $10. His costs amount to 4/5 of his selling price, i.e. $8. What is his profit?1970's (New Math) - A farmer exchanges a set P of potatoes with a set M of money. The 
cardinality of the set M is equal to $10 and each element of M is worth $1. Draw 10 big dots representing the elements of M. The set C of production costs is comprised of 2 big dots less than the set M. 
Represent C as a subset of M and give the answer to the question: What is the cardinality of the set of profits? (Draw everything in red).1980's - A farmer sells a bag of potatoes for $10. His 
production costs are $8 and his profit is $2. Underline the word 'potatoes' and discuss with your classmates.1990's - A kapitalist pigg undjustlee akires $2 on a sak of patatos. Analiz this tekst and 
sertch for erors in speling, contens, grandmar and ponctuassion, and than ekspress your vioos regardeng this metid of geting ritch.
A painter, who lived in Great Britain,Interrupted two girls with their knittin'He said, with a sigh,"That park bench... well IJust painted it, right where you're sittin."
A canner, exceedingly canny,One morning remarked to his granny,"A canner can canAnything that he can;But a canner can't can a can, can he?"
A silly young man from ClydeIn a funeral procession was spied;When asked, "Who is dead?"He giggled and said,"I don't know; I just came for the ride."
There was a young woman named Kite,Whose speed was much faster than light,She set out one day,In a relative way,And returned on the previous night.
Did you hear about the man who spent the day at the beach throwing rocks at the birds?He didn't quit until he left no tern unstoned.
When my Grandad was 65 he started running a mile a day to keep fit.He's 70 now and we have no idea where he is! 
Did you hear about the two guys who stole a calendar?They each got 6 months!
I'm really good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet....I don't know Y.
I wondered why the frisbee was getting bigger.......... Then it hit me.
What did the pirate say whe he turned 80?Aye matey!
Why can't Ray Charles see his friends?Because he's married!
And the Lord said to John "Come forth and receive eternal life"..... But John came fifth, and won a toaster!
I own the world's worst thesaurus........ Not only is it awful, it's awful.
So what if I don't know what "Armageddon" means?It's not the end of the world.
A limbo champion walks into a bar...... They are disqualified.
What's E.T. short for?Because he's got little legs.
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker.But when I got home, all the signs were there.
My grandfather has the heart of a lion........ and a lifetime ban from the New York City Zoo.
Why can't you hear a Pterodactyl go to the bathroom?Because the pee is silent.
Have you heard of that new band "1023 Megabytes"?They're pretty good, but they don't have a gig just yet.
I just got fired from my job at the keyboard factory...... They told me I wasn't putting in enough shifts.
My computer suddenly started belting out "Someone Like You."I think it's a Dell.
Thanks to autocorrect, 1 in 5 children will be getting a visit from Satan this Christmas.
The guy who invented predictive text died last night.His funfair is next monkey.
The guy who invented auto-correct for smart phones passed away today.Restaurant in peace.
My boss calls me "The Computer".Nothing to do with intelligence........ I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
My grandad asked me how to print on his computer...I told him it's Ctrl-P.He says he hasn't been able to do that for ages.
My wife told me she'll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer.I'm not too worried, I think she's jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf
A computer walks into a bar.When the bartender asks how many drinks he wants, the computer holds up three fingers."I'll take 7."
In the bathroom at a computer convention.Someone from Microsoft comes out of a stall, washes his hands, takes a towel, wipes his hands, takes another towel, wipes his hands more and repeats 
it another time, commenting "At Microsoft, we are very thorough".Someone from Intel comes out of a stall, washes his hands, takes a towel and wipes his hands with the single towel until the 
towel is all wet and his hands are dry. "We at Intel aren't just thorough, we're also efficient".Someone from Red Hat comes out of a stall, walks past the sinks and comments "We at Red Hat just don't piss on our hands".
A blonde's office computer had technical issues...IT support came over to the desk and said he needed password to access her account.
"It's 'MickeyMinnieBatmanSupergirlWonderwomanLondon'" she replied."A bit unusual for a password, how did you come up with it?" the support dude asked.
She went "Because computer said the password has to be at least 5 characters and have a capital."
A physicist, chemist and computer scientific were traveling in a car.The car breaks down and all three of them step out and stare at the car.The physicist says, "Probably a mechanical failure, let's look at the engine."
The chemist says, "Unlikely, the fuel is probably of a low grade which must be the culprit."The computer scientist says, "Let's try closing windows, opening windows and see if it fixes it."
On the train to a computer convention.Three developers from Red Hat and three from Microsoft use the train to get to a convention. The three devs from MS buy a ticket each, the three devs 
from RH buy only a single ticket together. The devs from MS sit down in the same cabin to see how they get thrown out. As the conductor comes, the three guys from Red Hat scurry over to the 
lavatory and lock themselves in. The conductor knocks on the door, asks for the ticket, the three devs inside slide the ticket out under the door, the conductor is happy and they ride together 
with just one ticket.On the train back, the three devs from MS, having learned their lesson, now buy a single ticket themselves. The three devs from Red Hat don't buy one at all. First thing 
the three MS devs do is to get over to the bathroom and lock themselves in to ensure they are the ones who get to use the trick. The devs from Red Hat watch the bathroom for a moment, then one 
of them ambles over, knocks on the door and yells "Tickets please!"
Senior Computer Security?My memory is going Mildred, so I changed my password to "Incorrect." That way when I log in with the wrong password, the computer will tell me... "Your password is incorrect".
What is the most commonly used computer programming language?Profanity.
Blonde logic...A man walks into a sports bar. He sits down next to this blonde at the bar and stares up at the TV as the 10:00 news comes on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a 
ledge of a large building preparing to jump.The blonde looks over and says "Do you think he'll jump?"The guy says, "You know what, I bet he will." The blonde replies, "Well, I bet he won't." 
The fella puts $50 on the bar and says "You're on!"Just as the blonde places her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge dives off of the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset 
and hands her $50 to the guy saying, "Fair's fair... Here's your money."He replies, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump."The blonde says, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again!"
A mugger jumps out in front of a university student...... and shouts "your money or your life!"The student keeps walking, and says "Sorry mate, I'm a Computer Science student. I don't have either".
How do you know if a blonde has been using your computer?There's whiteout on the screen.
There are 10 types of people in the world:*  those who understand binary*  and those who don't.
A wife send her husband an SMS on a cold winter evening: "Windows frozen".The husband send answer back: "Pour some warm water over them".Some time later husband receives answer from his wife: 
"The computer is completely buggered now."
Why computers are like women:- No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.- The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
- Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.- As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
The Sergeant-Major growled at the young soldier, "I didn't see you at camouflage training this morning.".... "Thank you very much, sir."
A blonde walks into a shoe store and tries on a pair of shoes. "How do they feel?" asks the salesclerk."Well, they feel a bit tight," replies the blonde.
The assistant promptly bends down and has a look at the shoes and the blonde's feet."Try pulling the tongue out," offers the clerk."Nath, theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth," the blonde replies.
Paddy got a job as a road line-painter.He paints 5 miles on the first day, 2 miles on the second day and 1 on the third day."You get worse and worse every day!" yelled his boss.
"That is because the bucket gets further and further away every day." said Paddy.
What a woman says:"Cmon.... This place is a mess! You and I need to clean. Your pants are on the floor and you'll have no clothes if we don't do laundry now!"
What a man hears:"C'MON.... blah, blah, blah, YOU AND I blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES blah, blah, blah, blah, NOW!"
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT 
BETTER BE THERE!"The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. 
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.Bob has been missing since Friday.
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are running from the police. They run into an old barn and hide in potato sacks. The officer chasing them walks into the barn looking for them.He kicks the first 
sack with the redhead inside and the redhead says, "Woof woof!" The cop thinks it's a dog, so he walks to the next one.He kicks the second bag with the brunette, and she says, "Meow meow!" The cop 
believes it's a cat and moves on.He kicks the third bag with the blonde, and the blonde yells, "Potato potato!"
A policeman sees a little girl riding her bike and says, "Did Santa get you that?" "Yes," replies the little girl. "Well," says the policeman, "tell Santa to put a reflector light on it next year," 
and fines her $5.The girl looks up at the policeman and says, "Nice horse you've got there, did Santa bring you that?" The policeman chuckles and replies, "He sure did!" "Well," says the little girl, 
"next year, tell Santa the ass goes on the back of the horse and not on top of it."
A blonde's neighbor's house was on fire so she called 911. The blonde told the operator, "My neighbor's house is on fire!" The operator asked, "Where are you?" The blonde answered, "At my house." 
The operator replied, "No, I'm asking how do we get there?"The blonde said, "In a firetruck, duh!"
FOR SALE BY OWNER...Complete set of encyclopedia Britannica.45 Volumes. Excellent condition.$100 or best offer.Reason for sale: No longer required.Got married last weekend.Wife knows everything.
I saw an ad that said "radio for sale $2, volume stuck on full"I thought to myself "I can't turn that down".
It's a 5 minute walk from my house to the pub.It's a 35 minute walk from the pub to my house..... The difference is staggering.
Today I actually saw a dwarf prisoner climbing down a wall.I thought to myself, "Now that's a little condescending."
To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camouflage jacket....... You can hide but you can't run.
A man goes to a funeral and asks the widow "Mind if I say a word?".The widow replies "Please do".The man clears his throat and says "Bargain".The widow replies "Thanks, that means a great deal".
A farmer had a three legged pig and his neighbor asked him why the pig had only three legs."Well, I'll tell you" the farmer replied. "One day I was plowing my field and the tractor turned over and 
pinned me underneath. That pig ran for help. He saved my life"."Oh, that's how he lost his leg?" the neighbor drawled. "No. One night my wife and I were sound asleep and the house caught on fire. 
That pig woke us up. He saved our lives!""So that's how he lost his leg", stated the neighbor. "No, that wasn't it" the farmer affirmed.Exasperated, the neighbor demanded "Then how did he lose his leg?" 
and the farmer replied, "When you have a pig that good, you don't eat him all at once!"
A blonde and a brunette worked in a factory. The brunette says, "I know how to get some time off from work!" "How?" asks the blonde. "Watch this," says the brunette.She climbs up to the rafter and 
hangs upside down. The boss walks in, sees her and says, "What on earth are you doing?" "I'm a lightbulb," she answers. "I think you need some time off," says the boss so she jumps down and walks out.
The blonde starts walking out, too. "Where are YOU going?" says the boss. The blonde replies, "I can't work in the dark!"
A man boards a plane and is seated next to an Air Marshall and his 'sniffing dog'. Soon, the plane takes off and the Marshall says, "Sniffer, search." The dog walks along the aisle, and stops next to 
a woman. He then returns to his seat and puts a paw on the Marshall's arm. "Good boy," says the Marshall. "What happened?" asks the man. "That woman is in possession of marijuana. We'll arrest her when 
we land."Once again, Sniffer searches the aisles. He stops beside a man, then returns to his seat, and places two paws on the Marshall's arm. "That man is carrying cocaine," the Marshall explains.
The dog walks up the aisle again, then races back, jumps into his seat, and poops all over it. "What's going on?!" demands the man.The Marshall nervously replies, "He just found a bomb!"
You can see the strangest things if you look hard enough. The other day I saw a piece of toast in a cage at the zoo.It was bread in captivity.
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's novocaine during root canal work?He wanted to transcend dental medication!
Senators William B. Spong of Virginia and Hiram Fong of Hawaii sponsored a bill recommending the mass ringing of church bells to welcome the arrival in Hong Kong of the U.S. Table Tennis Team after 
its tour of Communist China.The bill failed to pass, cheating the Senate out of passing the Spong-Fong Hong Kong Ping Pong Ding Dong Bell Bill.
This new monk starts at the monastery and his job is to help the other monks to copy the old texts by hand. He notices that they are copying from copies so he says to the head monk that if there is an 
error in the copies they would just be repeating them. The head monk says "We've been copying from copies for centuries but you make a good point my son". So the head monk goes down to the cellar with one of 
the copies to check it against the original.Later that day the head monk had not returned. Growing worried, the new monk went down to the cellar to look for the head monk. He hears a loud sobbing from 
the back of the cellar and finds the head monk leaning over one of the original books crying.He asks the head monk "What's wrong?" and in a choked voice came the reply, "There's an 'R', there's 
an 'R'.... the word is celebrate...."
Did you hear that NASA recently put a bunch of cows into low earth orbit?They called it the herd shot around the world.
A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory. The personnel manager explains her duties, and tells her to report to work promptly at 8:00 AM.The next day at 8:45 AM, there's a knock at the 
personnel manager's door. The assembly line foreman comes in and starts ranting about this new employee. He says she's incredibly slow, and the whole line is backing up.The foreman takes the personnel 
manager down to the factory floor to show him the problem. Sure enough, Elmos are backed up all over the place. At the end of the line is the new employee. She has a roll of the material used for the 
Elmos and a big bag of marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles, and starts sewing the little package between Elmo's legs.The personnel manager 
starts laughing hysterically. After several minutes, he pulls himself together, walks over to the woman, and says, "I'm sorry, I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. Your job is to give Elmo... 
two...  test...  tickles!
Mother's DayTwo children ordered their mother to stay in bed one Mother's Day morning. As she lay there looking forward to breakfast in bed, the smell of bacon floated up from the kitchen.But after 
a good long wait she finally went downstairs to investigate. She found them both sitting at the table eating bacon and eggs."As a surprise for Mother's Day," one explained, "we decided to cook our 
own breakfast."
A man and his wife are at a restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at an old drunken lady swigging her gin at a nearby table.His wife asks, "Do you know her?""Yes," sighs the husband. "She's my 
ex-wife. She took to drinking right after we divorced seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.""My God!" says the wife. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
A redneck's father passed away in his sleep. So in the morning, he calls 911 to come pick up the body. The 911 operator told him that she would send someone out right away. "Where do you live?" asked 
the operator. He replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive." The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?There was a long pause and finally he said, "How 'bout if I drag him over to Oak Street and you 
pick him up there?"
After 5 long years of studying, a student comes rushing into Einstein's office shouting..."Sir, Sir, I finally understand your theory of Special Relativity!"Einstein rolls his eyes, "It's about time"
During my check-up I asked the Doctor, "Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life then?"He replied, "I doubt it somehow. Mercury is in Uranus right now."I said, "I don't go in for any of that 
astrology nonsense."He replied, "Neither do I. My thermometer just broke."
After being unhappy for many years my mother came to me and said she was going to get a sex change operation. I didn't fully understand but I was very supportive throughout the whole operation, 
then he came home.That's when it all started, all the time all day long horrible dad jokes, terrible puns and all around just awful humor. After a few weeks and being fed up, I realized something and 
I confronted them."Did you seriously just have a sex change operation just for the dad jokes?!" I asked.He replied, "Oh you could see right through me, I must be so trans-parent."
A Horse Walks into a Bar...He approaches the bartender and says, "If there is a triangle with three sides labeled x, y, and z, and x and z are perpendicular to each other, which side is the hypotenuse?"
The bartender thinks for a moment, then replies, "Y, the long face."
I walked into the living room to find my wife breast feeding our son...."How long do you have to do that for?" I asked. "When is he going to be too old for it?""Well, it's a physical bond between a 
mother and her child isn't it? It's only society that deems it unacceptable above a certain age."I replied, "Shut up, Harry. I was talking to your mother."
An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church. There's a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and 
chocolates.Then the priest comes in. "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it 
used to be."The priest replies, "Get out. You're on my side."
An Anteater walks into a bar....Bartender says "Can I get you a drink?""Nooooooooooooooooooooo""How about something to eat?""Nooooooooooooooooooooo""What about some peanuts?"
"Nooooooooooooooooooooo"Frazzled, the bartender says "What's with the long no's"?Anteater replies "I was born with it".
A son and his Dad have an intense argument and the son storms off, furious.Before he gets out of earshot of his father, he yells "Jim Morrison was a terrible singer and an uninspired artist who never 
did anything worthwhile".His father cannot believe this insolence, and screams at the top of his lungs "As long as you live in this house, you will never, EVER SLAM THE DOORS"
I would trade my legs for 5 million dollars...... But I don't think it would be worth it in the long run.
A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down and orders a sandwich. After he finishes eating the sandwich, the panda pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter, and then stands up to go."Hey!" shouts the 
manager. "Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!"The panda yells back at the manager, "Hey man, I am a PANDA! Look it up!"The manager opens his dictionary 
and sees the following definition for panda: "A tree-dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterised by distinct black and white colouring. Eats shoots and leaves."
Deep within a forest a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly 
climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground. The turtle tried again and again while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts.Finally, the female bird turned to her mate.
"Dear," she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted."
A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened. "Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was 
having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows."We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its 
rear end. "I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball - stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake.""What did you do?" asks the 
doctor."Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!'"
A blonde decides to go ice fishing one day. She takes her stool and her fishing pole onto the ice, and cuts a big hole. Then a voice says:"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE"Perplexed, the blonde moves her 
stool 100 feet, sits down again and goes to work cutting another hole. Again, the voice said:"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE"Clearly flustered, she moves the stool to one last spot, sits down, and 
picks up her auger. Again, the voice boomed:"FOR THE LAST TIME, THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE"Finally, she can't take it. She cries out, "God, is that you?""NO, I'M THE OWNER OF THIS HOCKEY RINK"
I eat my peas with honey;I've done it all my life.It makes the peas taste funny,But it keeps them on the knife.
One fine day in the middle of the night,Two dead men got up to fight,Back to back they faced each other,Drew their swords and shot each other
Did you hear about the mathematician who's afraid of negative numbers?He'll stop at nothing to avoid them.
Once my dog ate all the Scrabble tiles.For days he kept leaving little messages around the house.
A woman in labor suddenly shouted, "Shouldn't! Wouldn't! Couldn't! Didn't! Can't!""Don't worry," said the doc. "Those are just contractions."
Did you hear about the actor who fell through the floorboards?He was just going through a stage.
A Frenchman goes into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder."That's really lovely" says the barman. "Where did you get him from?""France" replies the parrot "There's millions of them!"
A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"The survey was a huge 
failure.- In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.- In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.- In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.- In China they didn't know 
what "opinion" meant.- In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.- In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.- And in the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
An Irishman was flustered not being able to find a parking space in a large mall's parking lot."Lord," he prayed, "I can't stand this.If you open a space up for me, I swear I'll give up drinking me 
whiskey, and I promise to go to church every Sunday."Suddenly, the clouds parted and the sun shone on an empty parking spot. Without hesitation, the man said, "Never mind,I found one."
Two Irishmen were working in the public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in.After a while, one amazed onlooker said: "Why do you dig a hole, 
only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the 
lad who plants the trees called in sick."
Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez."How was he killed?" asked one detective."With a golf gun," the other detective replied."A golf gun?  What's a golf gun?""I don't know, but 
it sure made a hole in Juan."
"Bad day at the course," a guy tells his wife. "Charlie had a heart attack on the third hole.""That's terrible!" she says."You're telling me," the husband replies. "All day long, it was hit the 
ball..... drag Charlie....."
A guy goes onto a rooftop bar and is sitting next to a guy who says he's drinking a magical drink. He asks "What's so magical about it?" The guy drives jumps off the roof and flies around the rooftop. The 
other tries, but falls off and dies.The bartender shakes his head and says........ "Y'know, you're a real jerk when you're drunk, Superman."
A guy walks into a bar and asks for 10 shots of the establishment's finest single malt scotch. The bartender sets him up, and the guy takes the first shot in the row and pours it on the floor. He then 
takes the last shot in the row and does the same.The bartender asks, "Why did you do that?" And the guy replies, "Well the first shot always tastes like crap, and the last one always makes me sick!"
A blind man walks into a bar....    and a table....      and a door....        and a staircase.
I picked up a hitch-hiker. Seemed like a nice guy.After a few KMs, he asked me if I wasn't afraid that he might be a serial killer.I told him that the odds ot two serial killers being in the same car were extremely unlikely.
I had the rudest, slowest, nastiest cashier today.I guess it's my own fault for using the self checkout lane.
You know you're getting old when you can't walk past a bathroom without thinking:"I might as well pee while I'm here."
Captain Piccard:"I accidently rubbed ketchup in my eyes.Number One:"Really, Sir?"Captain Piccard:"I now have Heinzsight!"
Instead os a sign that says "Do not disturb"....I need a sign that says "Already disturbed, proceed with caution"
David Hasselhoff walked into a bar and ordered a drink"It's a pleasure to server you, Mr Hasselhoff." said the bartender."Just call me Hoff." the actor replied
"Sure," the bartender said."no hassle."
"What are your plans for today?""Me and a friend of mine are going to buy some spectacles.""And after that?""After that... we'll see."
I got called pretty today..... well, actually the full statement was "You're pretty annoying", but I only focus on positive things.
Conversation heard in a bar....."What do you do?""I race cars.""Do you win many races?""No, the cars are much faster."
Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," says Dolly."It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.
A husband and wife are sitting on the couch watching TV.The wife looks at the husband and he is staring at the ceiling above her head, she looks up and asks, "What are you staring at?"
"A spider," he replies."I don't see anything." she says."Oh, it must have fallen on your head," he said calmly.The wife jumps up screaming...
The man says, "While you're up, can you get me another beer?"
A man has been in hospital for a month. One day, he's so sick and tired of being in hospital that he sneaks out and down to the nearest pub. He orders a beer and swallows the lot in ten seconds flat.
He then orders a second beer and does the same. Then a third and a fourth.
As he orders a fifth beer, he says to the barman, "I shouldn't be drinking this with what I've got."
The barman gasps in alarm, "What have you got?"To which the hospital patient replies, "I've got no money."
